Lord, there is nothing you and i can't accomplish together

yesterday was sunday, which is, of course, my favorite day of the week. it was a very interesting day. a mix of highs and lows. but through both the good times and bad, i knew God was with me.

open door bible church, the church i attend, had started a saturday evening service this past weekend for the first time. i was planning on going this past saturday just to check it out, but some last minute plans to spend the day with my boyfriend came up. which was perfectly fine. saturday evening, my mom texted me telling me that it was a great service, so i knew it had to be exceptionally well. i find every week's service great, but there are some that just stand out. when mom makes a point to tell me, i know it is going to be good.

sunday morning, i roll out of bed around 6:15, and get ready for the day as i do every sunday. i am not usually a big fan of waking up at this hour, but i look forward to it on sundays because i love worshiping and learning more and more about God. i get to church about 10 minutes to 8, so i have some time before praise and worship starts. i take out my bible, and since yesterday was valentine's day, i look for my favorite passage on love. i'm not going to post the whole passage on here because it's kinda long, but it's 1 John 4:7-21.

well, mom was right. the service was wonderful. the music was fantastic, and the sermon really hit deep. after the service, i went to my bible study group for the hour in between services. after that, i went out to my car to get something that i was delivering to someone who attends second service. i walked into the auditorium and delivered the gift, and i was asked if i was staying for second service. i said no, that i went to first service because i had to work in the afternoon. we said our goodbyes, and i drove home. on the drive home, i realized that if i didnt have to work in the afternoon, i would've said "yes, i would love to stay for the second service." it honestly was that great of a service! that has never happened to me before. but i liked that feeling.

i get home, and i tell mom she was right, that it was an excellent service and i explained that if i didnt have to work, i would've stayed to hear it all again. she might've believed me, i dont know. so then i have some time to kill before i have to go into work at 1, so i just browse around online, nothing too interesting.

now, normally i would've had this past weekend off. every other weekend i have off. unfortunately, i did have off saturday and sunday, but both days i had to go into work. saturday for a staff meeting, and sunday for forklift training. now, i had heard about a week prior about the forklift class that i had to attend. i really was not looking forward to using the forklift. it's kind of hard to explain, but it kinda scared me for some reason. i didnt want to have to be in control of that big peice of equipment.

so i get to work, and punch in at 1. scott, the guy coming up to train me and 5 others, arrived around 1:30. we all sat around the table in the break room, and were handed 19 page booklets that had general information about forklifts, safety tips, hazards, dos and donts, etc. we were told right away that we are going to be tested, and if we pay attention and use common sense, we should easily pass. in a weird way, i was hoping i'd fail.

after we went over the booklet, we were going to watch a video about forklift safety. before scott put the video on, he told us that there is a lot of blood and gore, that it can be pretty disturbing. immediately, i began to worry and feel anxious, because i dont handle seeing other people's blood very well. i mentioned that, and i was told to just look away.

i don't want to go into too much detail about the film itself, because i don't want to feel anxious again about it, but there were a lot of actual forklift accidents that were dramatized and acted out, and they showed body parts coming off and A LOT of blood. unfortunately, i didnt look away fast enough for the first few scenes. i felt waves of nausea hit me, and i tensed up, and i became pretty dizzy. i started shaking, and it was hard to catch my breath. luckily, i closed my eyes and tried to focus on deep breathing so i wouldn't start hyperventilating and have a full blown panic attack. that helped a bit, but through the whole video i was shaking and felt sick. some people kept asking me if i was okay.

towards the latter half of the video, i had learned to look away sooner, but sometimes i looked back at the screen too soon, and felt more waves of nausea. nonetheless, i wasn't doing great, but i had calmed down a bit since when i first started feeling sick. when the video finally ended, we took our tests, which took no more than 10 minutes. once we were all done taking them, we were all chatting amongst ourselves, and i joined in the conversation, and by the time he was done correcting our tests and we went over the right answers, i felt nearly back to normal.

unfortunately, that feeling didnt last long. i thought after the tests, we would be done. no, now we all were to go out by the forklift and learn about ours specifically. then, we were to each take turns driving it, as well as stacking and unstacking. i then began to panic all over again. i didnt want to use it before, and after that horribly disturbing video, i REALLY didnt want to use it. it was so big to me, so intimidating. plus, i already felt bad about drawing attention to myself during the video, and i didnt want everyone watching me have a panic attack trying and failing at this thing. i felt sick again.

scott asked for a volunteer to start because we would all have to do it. of course i didnt volunteer. so i watched the first volunteer go, and my panic was increasing by the second. i really really didnt want to do this because i knew it would not end well. halfway through the second volunteer's turn, i felt so sick that i didn't say anything, just walked out of the back room and straight to the bathroom, where i proceeded to throw up. when i was done in there, i walked back to where we were all standing and watching. i was still shaking, and was still dizzy. after a few minutes, i felt so ill that i had to sit down on the floor. i was completely mortified and i hated drawing all this attention to myself. but i couldnt help it.

scott got me a chair from the breakroom so i could get off the floor, which again, was embarassing. he asked me if i was going to take a turn, and i said no with a trembeling voice.

the class was now over because everyone had succesfully used the forklift. except me. he took me aside and told me that he wasn't going to certify me, and i said that i was more than okay with that, that i didn't want to be in the first place. he asked me if i was panicky because of the forklift itself, or because other people were watching. i thought about that, i said it was probably a bit of both, because i am terrified of public speaking. i know this isnt the same as public speaking, but in a way it was because everyone's focus was going to be on me, watching me, judging me, scrutinizing my every move.

by this time it was around 3:30, and everyone that was in the forklift class was asking christy, the head supervisor, what they should do, whether it be pricing, going on their lunch break, or go out on the floor and straighten up and put things away. she told everyone what they should do, and lastly, she told me she wanted to speak to me in the office.

she told me that if i really hadn't wanted to go through with the training, i should've talked to her ahead of time. she said that if i knew there was going to be an issue with anxiety and getting sick, i should've talked to her. i told her through my tears that i didn't know that the video was going to upset me so much, and i didnt know that i wasn't going to go trough with it. im standing there crying, feeling terrible, and shes twisting around, making it sound like i knew that all of this was going to happen. she then explained how she was paying for him to come up here and train us, and paying for us to be there to get certified. she basically said i was wasting company money, which of course added to all of my guilt from before. she ended with telling me that i could leave at 4.

i got home and briefly explained to mom what happened. then, we went into my room and went over a chapter of a book we are reading together about evangelizing to others in a natural, not preachy way. i really enjoy it. we had an absolutely amazing discussion, and the only reason it ended an hour later was because we had to discuss dinner. i felt better mentally, but still had a bit of an upset stomach.

then, for the first time in months, if not a year, mom, dad, john, joe and i were all in the living room together, and we all watched a movie and ate pizza together. we very rarely have time to do things together as a family anymore because we are usually all in different places at different times. so that was nice.

later in the evening, i was talking to adam on the phone, and i told him all about my day, the good parts and the bad. i mentioned that i was kinda nervous about going to work the next day (today) because of what people might say to me regarding sunday's embarassment. i have gotten made fun of before in regards to having panic attacks, and i figured it was just going to happen again. he reassured me to not worry, that it's gonna be fine.

this morning before i went to work, i prayed to God asking for him to be with me, to help me with any difficulties i may encounter. i found this verse, and reflected on it:

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" ~Psalm 56:3-4

it is so true! i know God is always with me, through good times and bad. when i was dizzy and shaking at work, when i was throwing up, and when my supervisor was making me feel bad, God was with me. today at work, i was reading in my bible during my lunch break, and i came across this verse.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." ~Psalm 34:4

can it get any more clear than that? the Lord is always with me. i need to have faith in him at all times. he has a plan for me :)

Almighty God, i want to pray to you and ask for your help. there are many times i am struggling, or am encountering a difficult situation. i know you are always with me, but sometimes i forget that when i am hurting. i pray that my faith in you will continue to strengthen, and that i won't forget of your compassion and never ending, unfailing love. i also want to pray that when i an in a difficult situation, that you could give me the right words to say. Lord, thank you for helping me through the bad parts in my life, as well as being with me to rejoice during the good times. Lord i ask this in your precious name, amen.