too much too fast

once again, i have been slacking. it has been nearly two weeks yet again, and i am still going to strive for my goal of updating my blog at least once a week. if you read this entry, it may seem like a contradiction to my previous entry, but hopefully it will make sense.

last time i updated, i was in a relationship with a nice guy named alex. if anyone has read the previous entry, you may be wondering why i just said that i WAS in a relationship with alex. we are not anymore. i broke up with him last week tuesday night.

if you are like most people, you are probably wondering why. i too was wondering why i did it, but yesterday when i was at my session with my therapist, she explained what she thought and it all made sense.

alex and i had been together for about two and a half weeks. to me, it felt like a lot longer. he was probably one of the nicest guys i have ever met. i met him and he tried to make me feel so special, showering me with compliments. we had been texting each other for a few weeks before we actually met, and the day i came over by him, he already told me he was falling for me. now i know me, and i am the type of person to fall fast and fall hard for someone. for some reason, i couldnt say anything back. i had never felt this way before, when someone really really liked me and i didnt feel the same way back. i figured that i was still trying to get over eric because he had really hurt me, and maybe it was too soon to jump into a new relationship. he told me he understood that and he would wait for me.

from the first day of meeting and every day since, he was always telling me i was beautiful, cute, smart, sexy, gorgeous. he also told me i was perfect, and that i was an angel sent to save him. now, i have had self esteem issues for as long as i can remember, and every single time he told me a compliment like that, i would immediately shut him down. i think that me doing this might have discouraged him, but he didnt give up.

i know for a fact that our short relationship went way too fast. it wasnt long before he told me that he loved me, and when he said it, i just stood there and stared at him. i felt tears well up in my eyes. i couldnt bring myself to say it back, becuase i honestly didnt feel it. he once again said he understood, that i still wasnt over eric so i just needed more time. that was the story that i told him, but at this point, i honestly knew i was over eric. yeah, i missed talking to him and i wondered how he was doing and i still care about him as a person, but that's just how i am. within those two and a half weeks of our relationship, he fell for me, told me he loved me, said that one day he wanted to marry me, and said that he wanted me to be the mother of his children. i didnt show it, but whenever he said those things, it scared the hell out of me.

ive been in love a few times before, and every time that i know im in love i feel the same. i get butterflies in my tummy whenever they say something sweet, i look forward to whenever we get a chance to spend time together, i want to bring them out with me and show them off to the world as if to say "hey look everybody! check out this special guy i'm with! i'm soo lucky to be able to call him mine!". when i'm in love, i cherish every minute spent together, and i can feel free to speak my mind and tell them honestly how i feel. i always look forward to recieving that next text message and overall, i just feel happy and on top of the world when i know i'm in love and one of the greatest feelings in the world is knowing that that special someone loves me back. also, every time i've been in love, i feel attracted to that person. when i'm attracted to someone, i'm not afraid of showing affection, like hugs and kisses and holding hands, whether if we are watching a movie, walking, or driving in the car. i'm also a big cuddler.

when i was with alex, looking back, i can honestly say that i didnt feel any of this when i was with him. i never felt those butterflies. it didnt matter to me when we were gonna see each other next. i eventually told alex i loved him, but when i did it was really hard to look him in the eyes, and even after i said it the first time, he would tell me, and i still didnt always say it back. hardly ever did i send the first text message, it was always him, mainly because i didnt feel the need to talk to him. i didnt have anything to say. other times when he would text me, i just wouldnt send anything back. i didnt feel like i needed to. i never once felt an attraction to him. sure i'd hug and kiss him and we'd hold hands, but he was always the one to initiate it. i never went out of my way or "made a move" to do so. there would be times where he'd ask to kiss me or ask to make out and most of the time i'd just say no. sometimes i wouldnt even give a reason, i'd just say no.

the big thing that greatly troubled me is as i stated above, when i'm in love, it just shifts my mood from average and simply living day by day to elated, happy, and cheerful. i would look forward to each new day because i would always be thinking about them, and i'd have that constant reminder of knowing i was loved. over the past month and a half to two months or so, i was happy while in love with eric, heartbroken when he dumped me but tried to keep my cool about it because i prayed a lot about it, and if it wasn't in God's will for us to be together, then i had to be okay with that. of course getting dumped hurts, but i knew i needed to move on. i know God has a plan for me and i had to keep my faith in that. so i got heartbroken on christmas eve, then for the next week i was slowly recovering from that. january 3rd was when i finally met alex in person, and we were officially "an item." right away i knew that i should feel great and happy because someone really really liked me, but i didnt and i just figured that i wasnt over eric yet. but i quickly learned that it wasnt about to get better, it was in fact about to get a lot worse.

for those two and a half weeks, i fell into a deep depression that was sort of explained in the previous post. alex didnt really know because he has only seen me that way, so he didnt know of me any other way. my mom has told me several times during that period that she was really worried about me and was always asking me if i was okay. people at church were asking me how i was doing, and i would always plaster on a fake smile, and with a lot of obvious pain in my voice, i would say that i was doing fine or okay. like i said in the previous post, i felt isolated. i was losing contact with my friends and i just didnt care about pretty much anything. i was walking around in a constant daze, and talking to people seemed like a strenuous activity that i didnt feel the need to go about doing. i know i probably hurt my brothers because i was in a constantly bad mood. i would yell at them and get mad at them for every little thing. i hated myself because my family could tell i was in a pissy mood and i never had anything good to say. every thing out of my mouth towards my brothers was just cutting them down, insult after insult, and even though they were annoying me, it wasnt anything more than usual. they didn't deserve it and i know because of my state of mind i overreacted to everything and blew it all way out of proportion. my depression was also affecting my performance at work, becuase i felt every little task was a big effort, so i went about things more slowly. i just overall was really really down. i would cry myself to sleep some nights and i didnt even know why. i thought i was going crazy.

finally, last week tuesday, i had off of work. tuesday nights mom and me usually go to a bible study unless i had to work. then just mom would go. i had gone into my room around 4 or so in the afternoon and cried myself to sleep and would be waking up and dozing off for about 2 hours. mom came into my room around 6 and asked what was wrong, and i told her i had a migraine. whenever i get a migraine i usually go into my room and sleep and i dont want to be disturbed because that's the only thing that helps them pass, so mom understood and let me be. i told her that i didnt want to go to bible study that night, i just wanted to rest. i didnt have a migraine, i just wanted to be alone and cry and feel sorry for myself. i fell back asleep for about another hour then woke up again a little after 7.

i got up and looked at myself in the mirror. i looked absolutely terrible. my hair was in all directions, my eyes were red and so was my face, and my eyeliner was smudged terribly. i went into the living room because i knew i wouldnt be able to sleep anymore for a while. during those few hours i was in my room, i had turned my phone to silent so i wouldnt be disturbed, especially by alex. i had a few messages from him asking whats up, how was a doing, the usual. i replied saying that as usual, i was in a shitty mood. he was like okay... as usual, i didnt reply. then he asked if he could take me out to a movie on the weekend, and i said no. he asked if he could see me at all, and i said no again. he then asked if i wanted to be with me, and i didnt reply for a bit.

at least 10 minutes later, i mentioned that i was unhappy and had been thinking a lot recently about whether it was a coincedence or not that in the past two and a half weeks that i had been with him, i had also been in a terrible depression for the past two and a half weeks. he said that that really hurt, and then i went on about what i had all explained above, about what im like when im in love and how i didnt feel these things. i wont go into detail about what we all said, but i said that i need to stop living to please you and making myself miserable, and i need to start living for me becuase i hated myself right now. he said what i was saying wasnt making any sense and kept asking me why i was doing this, that he had done nothing wrong. i agreed, saying it didnt make any sense and he didnt do anything wrong. he then went on to call me a selfish bitch, saying i led him on, etc. of course, hearing insults hurts, but as soon as i declared it over, i immediately felt a weight lifted off of me. that was the first time in a break up that i didnt feel sad. of course i felt bad for hurting him because i couldnt give him a good explanation, but i felt a sense of relief, like i wasnt tied down anymore.

i summarized what all happened with alex yesterday at my therapy session, and i asked her why i felt so depressed while i was with him. everyone told me he was better than anyone ive ever had, that he treated me right and he treated me how a guy should treat me. my therapist told me it made perfect sense to her as to why i was depressed. i knew that he treated me good and was honest with me and respected me, all the signs were telling me i should be happy. my family liked him and my borthers told me to hang on to him because he's a keeper. but i knew deep down that i didnt want to be with him, that i wasnt attracted to him, and i had been trying to convince myself that i needed to be with him cuz it seemed right. the majority of my previous entry was me yet again trying to convince myself that i loved him and wanted to be with him. she told me that i was basically having a war within myself, that my mind was fighting with my heart, and this constant internal conflict was wearing me down, making me depressed. it all made sense then! looking back, it was so obvious.

in the past week, i am nearly back to my usual self. i am not depressed anymore, and i continue to pray daily about my future. i know God had a plan for me, and i surrender myself to His will. i reflect daily on my favorite bible verse.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" ~Jeremiah 29:11

i have decided that i will try to not rush into relationships anymore and when i do get into another relationship, i need to take things a lot slower. i need to be with a christian, someone with a strong faith. i need this other peoson to respect me and be open with me. there needs to be openess and honesty. there is a chance that i might have found this person, but i won't go into detail about him now. we are praying daily asking for God's guidance and for God to be in our hearts so if our friendship grows into something more, God will be at the center of us. i'm used to being rushed and rushing, so this is a whole new concept for me. but so far, i like where it's going. i pray multiple times a day about him and i, and he says he does too. we know God will guide our hearts to where they are meant to be.

i can't think of a title for this one.

im not gonna make the mistake i made last time where i waited two months to update my blog. im already slacking because it's been almost 2 weeks.

i have a new man in my life, and i know i've said it before, but i know that he is different. when my younger brothers tell me with complete seriousness that "you need to hold onto this guy. you should hear the nice things he says about you when you're not here. this guy really cares about you." to me, that is huge. if my 14 year old brothers think he's a keeper, then there must be something there.

his name is alex, and i think i'm in love with him. this is different than my last relationship on so many levels. he is everything eric wasnt and tells me all the things eric wouldn't say. alex respects me, trusts me, cares for me, isn't ashamed of me, and couldn't dream of hurting me. he tells me things that i've never heard before in my life. i asked him to explain to me what he sees in me, and i have his reply saved in my phone. "when i see you i get butterflies in my stomach and very nervous because i have never had that kind of reaction to any other girl... i dont know how to handle it. when i kiss you i forget my name. when you talk it sounds like an angel is speaking. when i get a text from you i smile ear to ear."

i can honestly say that i've never had that kind of connection with anyone before, because even tho i was blind to it at the time, people tend to not treat me well. my parents see it too, that no one has ever been this serious about me and has treated me that well. in one week, i have gotten 4 boquets of flowers from him, 2 are roses.

he is the sweetest guy ive ever met, and of course, i wonder if it's too good to be true. he knows this too. he knows ive been hurt before, and more than once. he knows i have major trust issues, and that's not just with relationships, that's with anyone. anytime i get close to someone and begin to trust them, i always get hurt. always. he claims that he will be patient with me for as long as needbe, that he will never get sick of me. of course i've heard that before and it's never proved to be true. so part of me of course wonders why this is any different. why should i believe this is different? why should i believe him when he tells me and told my parents that he will never hurt me?

one of the things different about him is he is ALWAYS complimenting me, something i am not used to. all the time i hear how beautiful, cute, sexy, smart, pretty, amazing, or perfect i am. i dont agree with any of it. pretty much every time he says something like that to me, i shut him down. i quickly jump to my defense and quickly disagree. "no i'm not." "you're just saying that." "you're supposed to say that cuz you're my boyfriend." then, i immediately feel bad because i know i hurt his feelings, even tho he doesnt show it. i've had low self-esteem for as long as i can remember, and i feel like i'm just being fed more and more lies.

i know i'm slipping into a depressed phase again. ive been feeling it coming on for the past few weeks. i just feel like im waking up, forcing myself out of bed, every couple days i'll go to work and go through the motions there. i don't feel like i'm living an exceptional life, im just going through the motions and merely existing.

i know i'm losing friendships. i'm losing contact with most of my friends because what used to be a weekly phone call or a daily instant message, is simply nothing. i can tell some of them just dont want anything to do with me, and if they did, they would talk to me. i just dont have the energy or motivation to make contact. in some ways, it bothers me because i miss having people i can rely on to talk to, but i'm becoming more and more isolated. i'd actually prefer sitting home alone in my room than be out with friends forcing myself to smile and make friendly conversation. i am a friendly person, and i try really hard to get people to like me. but i will not go out of my way to talk to somebody at work, or call anyone up to make plans. i will talk if i am spoken to.

socializing, to me, simply seems like a huge effort that i dont want to do. if i start talking to someone, i become anxious and in my mind, millions of thoughts start to race around in my head. what if i mix up my words? what if i say something they don't want to hear? what if they are completely bored with me? what if they secretly can't stand me and me talking to them is only making it worse? what if i start rambling? for the most part, even tho it may not seem like it, talking to people is hard for me. not with everyone all the time, but i know it's there. i wish i could converse with people easier, but it's becoming harder and harder.

basically, i just don't feel happy. i know that i go through these cycles every few months where life just sucks more than usual, and this is definitely one of those phases. i just dont have an interest in things much anymore. i dont really wanna do anything, just sleep or get lost in tv.

alex is being absolutely wonderful with this, he says he will stick with me in good times and bad, and no matter how sad or mad or angry or depressed i may get, he's gonna stay by me and do whatever he can just to see me smile. i think i may have found my other half, and i know it may be too soon to tell, i can easily see a future with him.

i know it's been almost 2 months but...

my apologies for not updating this in almost 2 months. i havent forgotten about it tho, honest! i've been meaning to update it more often, but i seem to have been, well, distracted. my goal of updating at least once a week has flown out the window. basically, this is going to be a long entry of what has all happened in the past 2 months.

at my last entry, things were a lot different than they are now. back on november 11, i was 10 days into a great relationship with someone i thought was "the one." and i'm not gonna lie, the first few weeks of our relationship were fantastic. he was good to me and everything was wonderful. some people say we went fast, and looking back, i can definitely see that. even while everything was happening, it kinda surprised me.

friday october 30- i am sitting home, bored. i decide to browse around on craigslist. i find an ad that catches my eye. "i'm more of a homebody, i prefer to stay in and watch movies an cuddle on the couch." those weren't the exact words, but that was basically what was said. i send a reply to this ad, and then after a few emails, we exchange numbers so we can text. by then, it's nearly 2 a.m. and we are tired, so we go to sleep.

saturday october 31- eric and i text all day. that night was one of the playoff games for cedar grove. cedar grove hosted oostburg for a game at 4 p.m. it was a really cold night. eric and i text all thru the game, and we feel a connection. we feel as if we know each other well enough to meet, and we both like each other already. i get home from the game a little after 6, and i ask mom if i can go out that night to meet someone. of course, my family isn't too keen about me driving to milwaukee to meet a stranger that i've only been talking to for a day. so, they let me go out, but we have to meet in a central location. so, we set up to meet at the movie theater in saukville for the 9:30 showing of zombieland, his choice. i walked thru the first set of doors and didnt see him yet. so i face the parking lot, and there he is. we make eye contact, and i instantly feel butterflies. he won't even let me touch my wallet, and he buys our tickets. we get there early, and we have to wait outside for the previous showing to end. so, we sit on a bench and talk about things, getting to know each other. later, we walk into the movie. first we hold hands, and eventually he has his arm around me. i felt on top of the world. we walk out of the movie hand in hand, and he walks me over to my car. he tells me he had a great time, and he enjoyed meeting me. i said the same back. we hugged, and went our separate ways. i smiled the whole way home.

sunday november 1- we text some more, and we both really like each other and want to see each other again. we are both looking for a relationship, so we make it official. we make plans for him to come over the following friday because of course, my parents want to meet him. the next few days were filled with excitement and anticipation. we texted nonstop and really got to know each other.

friday november 6- around 4 p.m., the doorbell rings and the moment i had been waiting for for days is finally here. i open the door, and there stands eric with a beatiful boquet of a dozen white roses. i nearly melted right there. i welcome him in with a hug. i give him a tour of the house, and when we get to my room, i tell him i have something for him. i pull out a small metal skeleton key, no more than 3 inches long. i give it to him, and tell him it's the key to my heart, and the he now has it. he then hugs me again, and then we have our first kiss. just when i thought things couldn't get any better, they do. we then have a family dinner with him and my family is asking him all sorts of questions, getting to know him. i couldnt stop smiling for the entire night.

saturday november 7- eric comes over in the morning because i invited him to cedar grove's next playoff game, which was at 1 in fond du lac. i also was picking up carolyn, caitlin and shelby on the way, so eric is officially starting to meet my friends. all 3 girls like him, which is a good sign. i finally got to show off my man in public, and it was wonderful. after the game, he came over and we watched movies. i was falling hard.

monday november 9- my parents had met eric, and they absolutely adored him. they trusted him and trusted me, so i was now allowed to go down by his apartment in milwaukee. i arrived in the afternoon, sometime around 2 or so, and i was very nervous at first. this was a whole new experience for me. of course, he just wrapped his arms around me and said everything was gonna be fine because i was with him now. he did have to leave a bit before 4 because he had a class to go to from 4-5, so i just hung out in his apartment waiting for his return. he got back, and made a comment about how he loved coming home to a woman he loved. my nonstop smiling started all over again. later that evening, he decided to drink pickle juice. he apparently really likes pickles and the juice they are in. i know some people really like pickles, so hey, who am i to judge? i am not a big fan of pickles, so i started joking around saying that i wasnt going to kiss him for the next hour. he said fine. about a half hour into that, he started begging for just one kiss, and i said that if he can give me one good reason why i should, i would. he started naming off all these silly things, "because i want you to", "because i really like you", "because i met your family for you" and it was all pretty funny actually. we couldnt stop laughing. i kept saying nope, you're gonna have to think of a better reason than that. finally, we were standing, facing each other. my arms around his neck, his arms around me, and then he said it. "because i love you." i kissed him, looked into his eyes and smiled. i said "that is exactly what i wanted to hear. i love you too." it was wonderful. keep in mind, we have been officially gonig out for a week and a day now. later in the evening, around 10 or so, we get into his car because he convinced me to wait outside gamestop for him for the midnight release of modern warfare 2. it wasn't bitter cold out, but it was november and it was wisconsin air. we stood outside of gamestop on capitol drive for 2 and a half hours talking and just enjoying each other's company. it was wonderful. we get back to his apartment sometime between 12:30 and 1, and i really didnt want to go home. so, i made a mistake of not letting my parents know about me not coming home, and we went to sleep together in his bed. i am being completely honest here, we didnt do anything. it was simply sleeping and snuggling. it was the greatest night of my life so far. i wanted to wake up next to him forever, and he said the same. unfortunately, when mom woke up at 5 am the next morning and saw i didnt come home, she was pretty mad. but i didnt care. i was in love.

i went into great detail about those days to put into perspective that it wasnt all bad. things were great, but obviously, they went fast. i was happy tho.

fast forward a few weeks. one things about me if you ont know already, is God is extremely big and important in my life. so, i invite eric to church with me on sunday, november 22. it went okay...

later that week i was spending the day by him, like i did at least once a week. the subject of religion came up. this was the start of the downfall of our relationship. he didn't like my church because we "pushed" religion on people. he said that because we had one of our missionaries briefly speak about his work in another country. he obviously doesnt understand that the whole message in the bible is to spread the gospel, which means "good news." we got into a bit of an argument about different aspects of religion and my story about how i came to accept Jesus as my savior. i eventually asked him straight up "do you believe that God sent his only son Jesus to the earth in the form of man to die on the cross to pay for everyone's sin, past, present and future, so that everyone who believes in Him can spend eternal life with Him in heaven?" the answer i got? "no." at that moment, i started to rethink what i was getting into. i wanted to witness to him and tell him so much, but he said in an angry tone to just drop it.

fast forward again to sunday, december 13. i convinced him to come with me to church again, and it didnt go as smoothly as the last time. we picked him up at the park and ride in port on our way to church, and first thing he does is makes fun of what im wearing. this isnt anything new, he has been making fun of me a lot lately. i understand that people can jokingly tease each other and it's harmless. friends do it all the time, but there becomes a point where it becomes too much. he had been making fun of me a lot lately, and ive been constantly asking him to stop. i had been feeling like he wanted to change me. not to help me, but to change me so i could please him better. i had been feeling like i wasnt good enough for him, and if i just acted differently and dressed differently and did all these things that he wanted, he would stop making fun of me and i could feel loved and wanted again, but nothing i did was enough.

anyways, back to the church thing. we pick him up, and he sits by me in church. i was really into pastor sid's sermon, and it was a few weeks before christmas so the sermon's were more about what christmas was about, and that particular sunday, it was about God's amazing gift to the world. somewhere during the sermon, pastor sid said something along the lines of "Jesus came to this earth for everyone, believers and nonbelievers because God loves everybody." eric leaned over and whispered to me (loudly) "i bet God doesn't love the muslims." i turned red and was so embarassed. i wasnt about to argue with him because we were in the middle of church. i hope no one heard him. after church was done, he proceeded to embarass me further during abf. he didnt say much, but what he did say made me look bad and was just plain immature. after that was done, we were talking in the front lobby. i dont remember all of the conversation, but eventually he began mocking me and my faith, saying "well, while we're on the subject of mythical creatures, why don't we call on fire breathing dragons to come save us too?" i was hurt and astonished that some people can talk like that. i know it's very real and it happens all the time, but i was still shocked and hurt.

i didnt say a word to him on the drive back to the park and ride to drop him off. i got home and left shortly for work, where i was scheduled to work from 12-7:30. a few hours later, i had a break around 2, where i texted eric asking if he truly loved me because i honestly wasn't feeling it. what was great the first few weeks had quickly dissapeared. i only had a 15 minute break, and he hadnt replied by the time my break was over. i had a half hour lunch break scheduled from 4-4:30. during that half hour, we had a nasty argument via text message. he said he was sick of my pushing religion on him, i was too immature for him, i wasnt good enough for him, etc. he told me to fuck off and that he never wanted to see or speak to me ever again, and called me a bitch.

needless to say, i was in shock, i was completely devasated, and was utterly heartbroken. i clocked back in to work, and walked to the bathroom because i honestly thought i was going to throw up. not even 5 minutes of gonig back to price clothes, i was crying and crying. one of the supervisors came over by me and asked what was wrong and i said that i just got dumped via text. then i started crying all over again. cindy (the supervisor) asked if i wanted to go back to the break room and take a few minutes to calm down. i said no, and i asked if i could go home because i felt sick. i did, and spent the rest of the evening in my room. i later cried myself to sleep and kept waking up during the night feeling sick and cried some more.

the next day was monday, and it was a hard, rough day. i had to work that night from 4:30 to 9:30. for the first time since before i had met eric, we didnt text all day, which was hard for me. i was heartbroken. during my break at work, which was probably around 6:30, i texted eric "you know this whole not talking to you thing really sucks." he replied almost immediately agreeing. i asked him if he was hurting at all like i was, and he said yes, that there was a hole in his heart where i used to be and he didnt know how to fix it. he told me that he missed me and said he was going to give me another chance. when i went back to work after my break, it was a complete turnaround. instead of tearing up constantly and forcing myself painfully to work, i was constant smiles again. after i was done with work, we set up that he was gonig to come by the next morning and we were gonna talk. my parents were at work and my brothers were at school, so it was gonna be just him and me, no distractions having an open and honest talk. we were going to start things over with new ground rules. i was very much looking forward to the next morning.

tuesday morning he comes over, and im not gonna lie, things were awkward. we talked for a good 40 minutes. we both were open and honest and said things we wanted changed. i told him to stop making fun of me so much, pay attention to me and what i have to say, respect me more, etc. those are all things that shouldnt be a problem in the first place, but whatever. he gave me 3 conditions that i had to go with in order for him to take me back. 1, i was not to bring up religion or church or anything along those lines ever again. 2, i was to not ALWAYS be texting him. like no more all day texting. here and there was fine, but not too much. 3, i was to start dressing "more girly and more grown up."

the first one, obviously, was hard for me. i almost felt like i was torn between God and him. i shook that feeling off right away because i thought i could make it work, because there are tons of couples that dont share the same religion. i knew it would be hard, but i figured i could make it work. the second one was easy. the third condition felt unfair to me, like "i'll stay with you if u start looking the way i want you too." but i was in no position to argue. i was more than grateful that i was given another chance. technically, it should be the other way around, but one of my downfalls is that i live to please.

after we talked, we met my mom for lunch. right away i could tell that things werent the same. i still felt alone. i didnt say much. there were a lot of awkward silences. i couldnt even really look at him. i spent the majority of lunch daydreaming. mom could tell that something was off.

the next few days were okay.. i never brought up church, i texted him only a few times during the day, and i had a plan for the following saturday to spend the day shopping, mainly for new clothes for me.

the following sunday, mom and i had a special day planned together. after church, we went out to lunch and then went to a play at the rep theater down in milwaukee at 2. we had it set up already that since we were down there, after the play, seeing as how we were just a few miles away, we were gonna visit eric.

i hadn't seen him since that tuesday where he came over and we talked. things still felt a little weird, but better. when mom and me left, he gave me a kiss and i felt like i felt during the first few weeks of our relationship, on top of the world. "finally" i thought. "things are back to normal."

we had plans for christmas, which was later that week. it started on tuesday the 22nd already. he pretty much just started ignoring my texts, and when he did say something, it was rude and immature. he had already told my family on thanksgiving that he wanted to spend christmas home alone getting drunk. he HATES the holidays, especially christmas. i knew that his pissy attitude was due to christmas, but i hoped it would pass.

christmas eve: i was scheduled to work until 3:30, but i got done earlier than that. the plan was for me to go over by eric's parent's house, then that night he was gonna stay over, and christmas day he was gonna spend christmas with my family. i go over by his parent's, and the whole time i'm there, there was a lot of tension. i couldnt even look at him. every other thing he was saying was rude and immature and i felt embarassed to just be sitting in the same room as him.

(a side not here that i forgot to put in earlier: that sunday night that he dumped me at work, i put an ad up on craigslist, but took it down the next day. it didnt feel right. one of the people that replied was someone by the name of alex.)

after a while of sitting there embarassed, i started texting alex. alex was very nice to me ever since we started talking. as i was explaining to him the situation, like where i was and what was going on, he said that he doesnt deserve an awesome girl like me. he was telling me all these flattering compliments that i have never once heard from eric. so here i was, sitting in eric's parent's house, flirting with alex. i knew it was wrong, but i didnt care. at least someone was treating me good.

later, i left for church because i had to drive from sheboygan falls down to port washington, and it was sleeting out. the roads were terrible. church was amazing, i didnt want it to be over. it was one of the few times my entire family was there with me.

after church was over, eric texted me asking when we were gonna be back home. i get home, and he's already there waiting for us. he was telling me that if it would've been longer, he was going to just go home. so we go inside, and we change into our pjs. (in separate rooms of course) he then brings out a half empty bottle of rum that he tells me and my family that he stole from his parent's house before he left. he then proceeds to walk around the house drinking straight from the bottle, and as usual, makes fun of me and pretty much every thing i say. it was embarassing. my dad even offered him soda to mix it with, and eric said no, that you get drunk faster when it's straight up.

i leave him in the kitchen with my family and curl up on the couch by myself and put on a movie. i continue to text alex, updating him on what was going on. he couldnt believe that he was being so trashy and disrespectful. eventually, my family and eric joined me in the living room and he's bothering me the whole time. he kept breathing in my face because i told him his breath smelled terrible cuz of the alcohol.

before the movie was over, my parents went to bed. no one was paying attention to the movie, everyone was focused on his making fun of me. joe was joining in sometime, but not as much, and john was just sitting there listening, shaking his head. eric eventually got up to use the bathroom, and john walked over by me, looked me right in the eye and asked "why do you put up with that? you dont need that. he's always mean to you." i thought about what to answer, and i finally said "i dont know."

eric comes back, and like he has been all night, he is talking about going home. it was sort of joking around at first, but as the night progressed, he was getting more and more serious. it was seriously bothering me. i keep telling him that soon the movie will be over, i'll set up his bed in the office, we will all go to sleep, and in the morning we are gonna spend christmas together with my family. he kept saying that he would rather be at home getting drunk. of course, this whole time i am still keeping alex updated on this. he is disgusted as to how someone can treat "a wonderful girl like you" that way.

the movie ends, and joe had already gone to bed. john gets up to use the bathroom. i get up to turn the dvd player and tv off, and i ask him if he would like me to set up his bed in the office. he says no. i ask if he'd like to sleep on a couch. he again says no. i ask where he is going to sleep, and he says his bed at home. things are going bad fast. he is raising his voice, and i didnt want to wake my parents up, so i ask if we can please take this to the office. we go in there, and start arguing. as soon as we get in there, he begins changing from his pajamas back to his regular clothes. this isnt a good sign.

apparently, i was forcing christmas on him. he doesnt like christmas to begin with, and it was hard enough for him to do one christmas already, he doesnt need another one. i said that that was completely selfish, blah blah. "we shouldnt be spending holidays together already, we aren't even in a serious relationship." were his words. that, obviously, hurt. he then brought up the comprimise thing, and said i wasnt being fair. that was totally ridiculous. i brought up those three conditions he made me follow, which i had been. i brought up what i said to him, about what he has to do for me, and how he hasnt gone through with any of that. for quite a while i felt as if all i was doing was give give give. i said "do you have any idea how hard i've been trying to make this work? i stress myself out day and night trying to do whatever i can to make things work, to make you happy. do you even care at all?" he replied "no. i dont care anymore." i said "you know what? you will never have the ability to make any girl happy because all you are about is yourself." he said "no, i have the ability to love other girls, just not you."

there were more things said, but that was the main part of it. eventually, he got his stuff and slammed the door and left. haven't seen him since. i was in shock. john came out from the bathroom, and said he heard the whole thing. he said he was totally on my side and agrees with me 100%. john even said "i never really liked him anyway." this, my friends, is proof that no matter how bad siblings annoy you, they are always there to have your back. looking back, i shouldve hugged him right there, but i guess i wasnt thinking clearly.

i went to bed and told alex what had just happened. he said it didnt surprise him, and even tho it hurts now, it's for the better. he then continued to tell me i deserve better, etc.

i really didnt want to wake up the next morning. spending christmas with my family was the last thing i wanted to do. i barely got any sleep, and my eyes hurt from crying. dad tried waking me up, and then mom did. no luck with either. mom eventually came back into my room and told me what happened, how she woke up and saw eric wasnt in the office. john was already up and told her what happened, how he was being mean to me and how he left. i still didnt want to get up. john came into my room then and convinced me to get up, bless his heart.

i was in a lot of pain, physically and mentally. we opened presents as a family, i took a lot of pictures. i tried to put on a happy face, and i guess i feel bad for making it awkward with my family. i could tell that no one really wanted to say anything to me for fear of saying the wrong thing and having me start crying, i dont know.

i told mom i didnt want to go by my aunt's house, that id prefer to just be home alone that day. she reminded me that in saying that, i was just like eric. so, i showered and got ready, and we rode up to my aunt's house, about 40 mins north of here. i spend the ride up listening to depressing music and texting alex. he was trying so hard to make me feel better, but it just wasnt working.

once we get to my aunt's house, we are offered drinks. mom gets wine, and since it was christmas and a family gathering, she lets me share. needless to say, i drink it down like water. i eventually got my own glass and down some more, and then it's time to eat. i was starving because i didnt have breakfast, and the only thing i had all day was that delicious wine. i had never drank before and i was discovering fast that i enjoyed it. i started to get warm fuzzy feelings and i was laughing more than usual. i remember joe just looked at me, and i burst out laughing. mom didnt let me have anymore after that. she told me to knock it off and stop causing a scene, but i didnt care, i felt amazing and happy. i began to feel pretty tired and nearly fell asleep at the table.

later that night the alcohol wore off and i felt awake again, so my parents and i watched "it's a wonderful life", which mom had never saw. that is the only christmas themed movie that i actually like. when it was over, i felt better. plus i was texting alex the whole time. it sounds cheesy, but that movie gave me hope, made me feel better.

nothing TOO much has happened since christmas, but i havent spoken to eric since. i take that back, i did have to text him to ask for his address so mom could mail him his gift card from the family. i still miss him and he hasnt left my mind completely. he never will. i dont forget people easily, especially meaningful ones. i still think about my first boyfriend from 4 years ago sometimes. i honestly thought he was different, and ill say it again, the first few weeks were wonderful. i'd give anything for it to be like that now. i dont think about him as much as i used to, but he's still there. and like anyone else i've ever been with, part of me will always love him. that's just how i am. it's been a week and a half. i know he didnt treat me fair and good, but i cant help it. there is so much about him that i miss and always will miss. we had such big plans. but i know that will never happen.

one of the reasons i made it this far and one of the reasons i'm trying to stay strong through this is simply with prayer. i have been praying about eric and i for weeks, that whatever happens is all happening for a reason. i can't argue with God, and what has all happened, is happening now, and what will happen in the future is all part of God's plan for me. i have been reflecting on some of my favorite bible verses a lot through this.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God." ~Philippians 4:6

also, i have been listening to casting crown's "praise you in this storm" a lot. i know that whatever God has in store for me is bigger and better than what i can imagine. life is filled with ups and downs, good times and bad. this was just a painful stumble down the road of life. i am okay with that. i completely surrender myself to Him.

i will try to update this more often so i dont have to have such long entries that no one ever reads anyways. take care all!