too much too fast

once again, i have been slacking. it has been nearly two weeks yet again, and i am still going to strive for my goal of updating my blog at least once a week. if you read this entry, it may seem like a contradiction to my previous entry, but hopefully it will make sense.

last time i updated, i was in a relationship with a nice guy named alex. if anyone has read the previous entry, you may be wondering why i just said that i WAS in a relationship with alex. we are not anymore. i broke up with him last week tuesday night.

if you are like most people, you are probably wondering why. i too was wondering why i did it, but yesterday when i was at my session with my therapist, she explained what she thought and it all made sense.

alex and i had been together for about two and a half weeks. to me, it felt like a lot longer. he was probably one of the nicest guys i have ever met. i met him and he tried to make me feel so special, showering me with compliments. we had been texting each other for a few weeks before we actually met, and the day i came over by him, he already told me he was falling for me. now i know me, and i am the type of person to fall fast and fall hard for someone. for some reason, i couldnt say anything back. i had never felt this way before, when someone really really liked me and i didnt feel the same way back. i figured that i was still trying to get over eric because he had really hurt me, and maybe it was too soon to jump into a new relationship. he told me he understood that and he would wait for me.

from the first day of meeting and every day since, he was always telling me i was beautiful, cute, smart, sexy, gorgeous. he also told me i was perfect, and that i was an angel sent to save him. now, i have had self esteem issues for as long as i can remember, and every single time he told me a compliment like that, i would immediately shut him down. i think that me doing this might have discouraged him, but he didnt give up.

i know for a fact that our short relationship went way too fast. it wasnt long before he told me that he loved me, and when he said it, i just stood there and stared at him. i felt tears well up in my eyes. i couldnt bring myself to say it back, becuase i honestly didnt feel it. he once again said he understood, that i still wasnt over eric so i just needed more time. that was the story that i told him, but at this point, i honestly knew i was over eric. yeah, i missed talking to him and i wondered how he was doing and i still care about him as a person, but that's just how i am. within those two and a half weeks of our relationship, he fell for me, told me he loved me, said that one day he wanted to marry me, and said that he wanted me to be the mother of his children. i didnt show it, but whenever he said those things, it scared the hell out of me.

ive been in love a few times before, and every time that i know im in love i feel the same. i get butterflies in my tummy whenever they say something sweet, i look forward to whenever we get a chance to spend time together, i want to bring them out with me and show them off to the world as if to say "hey look everybody! check out this special guy i'm with! i'm soo lucky to be able to call him mine!". when i'm in love, i cherish every minute spent together, and i can feel free to speak my mind and tell them honestly how i feel. i always look forward to recieving that next text message and overall, i just feel happy and on top of the world when i know i'm in love and one of the greatest feelings in the world is knowing that that special someone loves me back. also, every time i've been in love, i feel attracted to that person. when i'm attracted to someone, i'm not afraid of showing affection, like hugs and kisses and holding hands, whether if we are watching a movie, walking, or driving in the car. i'm also a big cuddler.

when i was with alex, looking back, i can honestly say that i didnt feel any of this when i was with him. i never felt those butterflies. it didnt matter to me when we were gonna see each other next. i eventually told alex i loved him, but when i did it was really hard to look him in the eyes, and even after i said it the first time, he would tell me, and i still didnt always say it back. hardly ever did i send the first text message, it was always him, mainly because i didnt feel the need to talk to him. i didnt have anything to say. other times when he would text me, i just wouldnt send anything back. i didnt feel like i needed to. i never once felt an attraction to him. sure i'd hug and kiss him and we'd hold hands, but he was always the one to initiate it. i never went out of my way or "made a move" to do so. there would be times where he'd ask to kiss me or ask to make out and most of the time i'd just say no. sometimes i wouldnt even give a reason, i'd just say no.

the big thing that greatly troubled me is as i stated above, when i'm in love, it just shifts my mood from average and simply living day by day to elated, happy, and cheerful. i would look forward to each new day because i would always be thinking about them, and i'd have that constant reminder of knowing i was loved. over the past month and a half to two months or so, i was happy while in love with eric, heartbroken when he dumped me but tried to keep my cool about it because i prayed a lot about it, and if it wasn't in God's will for us to be together, then i had to be okay with that. of course getting dumped hurts, but i knew i needed to move on. i know God has a plan for me and i had to keep my faith in that. so i got heartbroken on christmas eve, then for the next week i was slowly recovering from that. january 3rd was when i finally met alex in person, and we were officially "an item." right away i knew that i should feel great and happy because someone really really liked me, but i didnt and i just figured that i wasnt over eric yet. but i quickly learned that it wasnt about to get better, it was in fact about to get a lot worse.

for those two and a half weeks, i fell into a deep depression that was sort of explained in the previous post. alex didnt really know because he has only seen me that way, so he didnt know of me any other way. my mom has told me several times during that period that she was really worried about me and was always asking me if i was okay. people at church were asking me how i was doing, and i would always plaster on a fake smile, and with a lot of obvious pain in my voice, i would say that i was doing fine or okay. like i said in the previous post, i felt isolated. i was losing contact with my friends and i just didnt care about pretty much anything. i was walking around in a constant daze, and talking to people seemed like a strenuous activity that i didnt feel the need to go about doing. i know i probably hurt my brothers because i was in a constantly bad mood. i would yell at them and get mad at them for every little thing. i hated myself because my family could tell i was in a pissy mood and i never had anything good to say. every thing out of my mouth towards my brothers was just cutting them down, insult after insult, and even though they were annoying me, it wasnt anything more than usual. they didn't deserve it and i know because of my state of mind i overreacted to everything and blew it all way out of proportion. my depression was also affecting my performance at work, becuase i felt every little task was a big effort, so i went about things more slowly. i just overall was really really down. i would cry myself to sleep some nights and i didnt even know why. i thought i was going crazy.

finally, last week tuesday, i had off of work. tuesday nights mom and me usually go to a bible study unless i had to work. then just mom would go. i had gone into my room around 4 or so in the afternoon and cried myself to sleep and would be waking up and dozing off for about 2 hours. mom came into my room around 6 and asked what was wrong, and i told her i had a migraine. whenever i get a migraine i usually go into my room and sleep and i dont want to be disturbed because that's the only thing that helps them pass, so mom understood and let me be. i told her that i didnt want to go to bible study that night, i just wanted to rest. i didnt have a migraine, i just wanted to be alone and cry and feel sorry for myself. i fell back asleep for about another hour then woke up again a little after 7.

i got up and looked at myself in the mirror. i looked absolutely terrible. my hair was in all directions, my eyes were red and so was my face, and my eyeliner was smudged terribly. i went into the living room because i knew i wouldnt be able to sleep anymore for a while. during those few hours i was in my room, i had turned my phone to silent so i wouldnt be disturbed, especially by alex. i had a few messages from him asking whats up, how was a doing, the usual. i replied saying that as usual, i was in a shitty mood. he was like okay... as usual, i didnt reply. then he asked if he could take me out to a movie on the weekend, and i said no. he asked if he could see me at all, and i said no again. he then asked if i wanted to be with me, and i didnt reply for a bit.

at least 10 minutes later, i mentioned that i was unhappy and had been thinking a lot recently about whether it was a coincedence or not that in the past two and a half weeks that i had been with him, i had also been in a terrible depression for the past two and a half weeks. he said that that really hurt, and then i went on about what i had all explained above, about what im like when im in love and how i didnt feel these things. i wont go into detail about what we all said, but i said that i need to stop living to please you and making myself miserable, and i need to start living for me becuase i hated myself right now. he said what i was saying wasnt making any sense and kept asking me why i was doing this, that he had done nothing wrong. i agreed, saying it didnt make any sense and he didnt do anything wrong. he then went on to call me a selfish bitch, saying i led him on, etc. of course, hearing insults hurts, but as soon as i declared it over, i immediately felt a weight lifted off of me. that was the first time in a break up that i didnt feel sad. of course i felt bad for hurting him because i couldnt give him a good explanation, but i felt a sense of relief, like i wasnt tied down anymore.

i summarized what all happened with alex yesterday at my therapy session, and i asked her why i felt so depressed while i was with him. everyone told me he was better than anyone ive ever had, that he treated me right and he treated me how a guy should treat me. my therapist told me it made perfect sense to her as to why i was depressed. i knew that he treated me good and was honest with me and respected me, all the signs were telling me i should be happy. my family liked him and my borthers told me to hang on to him because he's a keeper. but i knew deep down that i didnt want to be with him, that i wasnt attracted to him, and i had been trying to convince myself that i needed to be with him cuz it seemed right. the majority of my previous entry was me yet again trying to convince myself that i loved him and wanted to be with him. she told me that i was basically having a war within myself, that my mind was fighting with my heart, and this constant internal conflict was wearing me down, making me depressed. it all made sense then! looking back, it was so obvious.

in the past week, i am nearly back to my usual self. i am not depressed anymore, and i continue to pray daily about my future. i know God had a plan for me, and i surrender myself to His will. i reflect daily on my favorite bible verse.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" ~Jeremiah 29:11

i have decided that i will try to not rush into relationships anymore and when i do get into another relationship, i need to take things a lot slower. i need to be with a christian, someone with a strong faith. i need this other peoson to respect me and be open with me. there needs to be openess and honesty. there is a chance that i might have found this person, but i won't go into detail about him now. we are praying daily asking for God's guidance and for God to be in our hearts so if our friendship grows into something more, God will be at the center of us. i'm used to being rushed and rushing, so this is a whole new concept for me. but so far, i like where it's going. i pray multiple times a day about him and i, and he says he does too. we know God will guide our hearts to where they are meant to be.