update. nothing interesting, but it's something.

ive been thinking a lot about updating this thing, and i knew i shouldve updated it sooner, but i just havent had enough motivation to. nothing overly interesting has happened. so i guess this is just another update.

today, i was supposed to meet with an admissions counselor at ltc, but that got rescheduled for monday. i am gonna see if i can apply for the childcare program. i hope that that goes well.

tomorrow night i am going to see boys like girls at the rave with chris and some of his friends. i am pretty stoked for that!

i have started exercising again. well, i cant really say again because i never really have. i first started this week, so it's still pretty early on to see any results, but i know i need to take better care of myself. since ive moved back home, i dont really do much. i sit around and dont really pay attention to what i eat and i know that ive put weight back on. basically, my new exercising involves walking on the treadmill for half an hour. i do it in the morning before i shower because when i am done i am SOAKED in sweat. i start off slow and work it up to speed walking. plus im paying more attention to what i eat and how much of it i eat.

as some of you know, i have a needle phobia. it's really bad. overall, i have medical fears, like avoiding going to the doctor for fear of there being something wrong, and i dont like seeing other people's blood. it makes me feel lightheaded. but needles are the worst. i start to freak out if i simply see a picture of a needle. ironically, a tv show that i like to watch is mystery diagnosis on discovery health channel, and intervention on A&E. both of which usually involve needles and the actual showing of injection. on mystery diagnosis, it's usually for shots or blood tests, on intervention the injections are usually for drug use. but either way, i cant watch. a few days ago i was watching mystery diagnosis, and it unexpectedly showed a needle going in skin, and because i didnt see it coming, i didnt have time to look away or close my eyes. i then proceeded to burst into tears and started shaking and nearly hyperventilating right here on the couch, simply from seeing it. luckily, i was the only one home. my needle phobia is so bad that i dont want to have kids because i know that when you are pregnant, you need to have bloodwork done. shots for me are bad, but id take shots any day as opposed to bloodtests. that is by far THE WORST. ive had a few bad experienced with bloodtests and i will avoid them on all costs. plus, when you actually have a baby, that involves being in a hospital with an iv and other needles and i cant handle that. plus, i have a low pain tolerance. i would not be able to handle that intense amount of pain. i know that sounds selfish, but i cant help it.

but, on the flipside, i do want to have kids one day. i love babies and kids, hence why i want to go into the childcare program. but i know that right now i would not be able to go through with it. i am actually considering going to therapy for help to overcome this phobia. i talked to mom about it, and she thinks its a great idea and she'd support me all the way.

ive been praying about help for overcoming this, and id like to ask for anyone who is reading this for their prayers too.

:[

allright this probably isnt the happy cheerful post that people were hoping to see from me next, but im sorry. i only speak the truth.

over the past week or so, i've been falling again. i find myself just wanting to stay home, mainly in my room and not tallk to anyone. i dont feel like my usual happy outgoing self that ive become over the past two years.

now whoever is reading this, mind you, im not crazy depressed or suicidal. i am just feeling blah. very plain, very boring. no need for concern.

i have noticed a few things about myself that i dont like. for example, it used to be that i would much rather prefer to go out and hang with friends, but now i would much rather stay home.

i feel like every day that i go through is another day that i simply have to get through. day after day is becoming more of a struggle. it is a pain to roll out of bed in the morning and i have basically no motivation to do much of anything during the day. i would be content with just sitting at home not doing anything. not going anywhere, no responsibilities. i spend a few hours a day watching daytime talk shows, like maury, jerry springer and steve wilkos because then i get to see other situations in people's lives that are difficult, and it takes my mind off of my own life. then i just sit around, eat dinner later, and head back to my room with my laptop and listen to music and do pointless browsing online. i live a very boring life.

physically i feel different too. i know im gaining weight again, because i just sit around and dont do anything. also, lately, i feel weird in my stomach. not sick or anything, but this feeling of dread and nervousness and anxiety that wont go away. i also feel like i am just walking around trying not to cry. i feel sluggish and i am constantly tired, no matter how many hours of good sleep i get the previous night.

i dont want anyone to worry about me.

no one needs to wory about me or concern themselves with my issues because i dont like being anyone else's burden. i dont like my problems contributing to anybody else's.

on a positive note, i drove around for 4 and a half hours yesterday. i set out on a mission to fill out job applications, and i did fill out a few, but my afternoon turned into a mini road trip. this was the first time iv'e ever done this. i figured out on mapquest that i treked 110 miles yesterday. i drove to cedar grove, then belgium, port washington, saukville, sheboygan, plymouth, elkhart lake, random lake and back home. i didnt have any real direction, i just drove around because i needed time to think. when i drive, i do a lot of thinking. i need to figure my life out, and i need to do it soon. i did some good thinking about what direction my life is heading. i am getting a better and better picture of what i am going to do with myself.