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allright this probably isnt the happy cheerful post that people were hoping to see from me next, but im sorry. i only speak the truth.

over the past week or so, i've been falling again. i find myself just wanting to stay home, mainly in my room and not tallk to anyone. i dont feel like my usual happy outgoing self that ive become over the past two years.

now whoever is reading this, mind you, im not crazy depressed or suicidal. i am just feeling blah. very plain, very boring. no need for concern.

i have noticed a few things about myself that i dont like. for example, it used to be that i would much rather prefer to go out and hang with friends, but now i would much rather stay home.

i feel like every day that i go through is another day that i simply have to get through. day after day is becoming more of a struggle. it is a pain to roll out of bed in the morning and i have basically no motivation to do much of anything during the day. i would be content with just sitting at home not doing anything. not going anywhere, no responsibilities. i spend a few hours a day watching daytime talk shows, like maury, jerry springer and steve wilkos because then i get to see other situations in people's lives that are difficult, and it takes my mind off of my own life. then i just sit around, eat dinner later, and head back to my room with my laptop and listen to music and do pointless browsing online. i live a very boring life.

physically i feel different too. i know im gaining weight again, because i just sit around and dont do anything. also, lately, i feel weird in my stomach. not sick or anything, but this feeling of dread and nervousness and anxiety that wont go away. i also feel like i am just walking around trying not to cry. i feel sluggish and i am constantly tired, no matter how many hours of good sleep i get the previous night.

i dont want anyone to worry about me.

no one needs to wory about me or concern themselves with my issues because i dont like being anyone else's burden. i dont like my problems contributing to anybody else's.

on a positive note, i drove around for 4 and a half hours yesterday. i set out on a mission to fill out job applications, and i did fill out a few, but my afternoon turned into a mini road trip. this was the first time iv'e ever done this. i figured out on mapquest that i treked 110 miles yesterday. i drove to cedar grove, then belgium, port washington, saukville, sheboygan, plymouth, elkhart lake, random lake and back home. i didnt have any real direction, i just drove around because i needed time to think. when i drive, i do a lot of thinking. i need to figure my life out, and i need to do it soon. i did some good thinking about what direction my life is heading. i am getting a better and better picture of what i am going to do with myself.