update. nothing interesting, but it's something.

ive been thinking a lot about updating this thing, and i knew i shouldve updated it sooner, but i just havent had enough motivation to. nothing overly interesting has happened. so i guess this is just another update.

today, i was supposed to meet with an admissions counselor at ltc, but that got rescheduled for monday. i am gonna see if i can apply for the childcare program. i hope that that goes well.

tomorrow night i am going to see boys like girls at the rave with chris and some of his friends. i am pretty stoked for that!

i have started exercising again. well, i cant really say again because i never really have. i first started this week, so it's still pretty early on to see any results, but i know i need to take better care of myself. since ive moved back home, i dont really do much. i sit around and dont really pay attention to what i eat and i know that ive put weight back on. basically, my new exercising involves walking on the treadmill for half an hour. i do it in the morning before i shower because when i am done i am SOAKED in sweat. i start off slow and work it up to speed walking. plus im paying more attention to what i eat and how much of it i eat.

as some of you know, i have a needle phobia. it's really bad. overall, i have medical fears, like avoiding going to the doctor for fear of there being something wrong, and i dont like seeing other people's blood. it makes me feel lightheaded. but needles are the worst. i start to freak out if i simply see a picture of a needle. ironically, a tv show that i like to watch is mystery diagnosis on discovery health channel, and intervention on A&E. both of which usually involve needles and the actual showing of injection. on mystery diagnosis, it's usually for shots or blood tests, on intervention the injections are usually for drug use. but either way, i cant watch. a few days ago i was watching mystery diagnosis, and it unexpectedly showed a needle going in skin, and because i didnt see it coming, i didnt have time to look away or close my eyes. i then proceeded to burst into tears and started shaking and nearly hyperventilating right here on the couch, simply from seeing it. luckily, i was the only one home. my needle phobia is so bad that i dont want to have kids because i know that when you are pregnant, you need to have bloodwork done. shots for me are bad, but id take shots any day as opposed to bloodtests. that is by far THE WORST. ive had a few bad experienced with bloodtests and i will avoid them on all costs. plus, when you actually have a baby, that involves being in a hospital with an iv and other needles and i cant handle that. plus, i have a low pain tolerance. i would not be able to handle that intense amount of pain. i know that sounds selfish, but i cant help it.

but, on the flipside, i do want to have kids one day. i love babies and kids, hence why i want to go into the childcare program. but i know that right now i would not be able to go through with it. i am actually considering going to therapy for help to overcome this phobia. i talked to mom about it, and she thinks its a great idea and she'd support me all the way.

ive been praying about help for overcoming this, and id like to ask for anyone who is reading this for their prayers too.