Created in His Image

I haven't blogged in a while, and I still want to try to work on my goal of at least once a week. It's just hard with work and seeing Adam and all of my other commitments. Now, with this post, I'm not quite sure how to start off with what I want to write about, so I'm just going to dive right in. Enjoy!

I have always had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I remeber way back in kindergarten when no one else would play with me, so I had some negative thoughts about myself, like that no one liked me. As I got older, it only got worse. I was never the skinny kid; I always was a bit chubby. I especially gained a lot of weight around my 15th year. I was very overweight, and with that, naturally comes insults and name-calling. Many of my friends would disagree with this, but I consider myself to be somewhat shy. Of course, when I know people well and I feel comfortable with them, I can be quite outspoken. I never really had many friends. Sure, I had some people here and there that I would hang out with, but I always felt isolated and lonely. I never felt like I fit in. Most of my readers on here know about how bad my depression had gotten in the past few years. I literally hated myself and didn't want to live.

Over the past two and a half years I have overcome the majority of my "issues" from my past. But, one thing I still struggle with is self-esteem and how I view myself. Even though I have lost at least 40 pounds compared to my heaviest point, I still feel fat. (I still want to lose 20-25 pounds before I reach my goal. And honestly, this isn't unrealistic. For my height, my goal is in the healthy weight range.) I find myself constantly beating myself up on the inside. I can easily point out all my flaws and things about myself that are physically wrong. I am overweight and fat, I have acne and a greasy face, I have terrible vision, I sweat a lot, etc. I can go on and on about all the issues I have with my body, but I will leave it at that.

I also find it easy to pick at things "wrong" with me that aren't as noticible. I honestly don't consider myself to be book-smart at all. I know I am a slow learner and it takes me a while to catch onto things. I dropped out of two colleges over the course of five months. I do give up on things very easily and probably more often than I should. Just thinking back to high school, I didn't do very well at all. I wasn't in the top half of my class, and I even took a lot of the "easy" classes. I consider myself socially awkward most of the time. It isn't very noticable, but when I am surrounded by many people, whether I know them or not, I get a small sense of panic inside of "What do I say? What should I do? What do they think of me? What if they laugh at me? etc" I can be very unmotivated and straight out lazy. And again, I can point out tons of things wrong with me that I don't like, but I will stop here.

This whole self-esteem thing has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. It's something I struggle with constantly. I notice it more when I am talking with Adam, whether it be on the phone or in person. He is the most wonderful boyfriend ever, I wouldn't change a thing about him. We will just be talking and he will sometimes randomly tell me "you're amazing", "you're so pretty", "you're beautiful", things like that. Sometimes I will say thank you, other times I will deny it, saying no, you're wrong. I know he doesn't like when I disagree with him on that. There are also times when we will be talking or hanging out and I will just start complaining about myself. I know that sounds terrible, and I know that some people will just start saying stuff about themselves for attention. I can assure anyone who is reading this that is NOT what I am doing. But I will just start beating myself up verbally, and I can tell that it hurts him. I just don't have a high opinion of myself. But he has told me many times that I am the most smart, beautiful, pretty caring girlfriend he's ever had, and I want to believe him, but it's hard. I know he wouldn't lie to me.

This past weekend I went to church twice, once on Saturday night with Adam and the other time at the second service with my brothers. We have just started our study on Ephesians, and the theme of this past weekend's service was about how God chose us to be his. It was really an interesting sermon. It made me start to think about myself differently.

At my job, I have a lot of thinking time on my hands; I have a lot of time for my mind to wander. This Wednesday and Thursday I especially thought a lot. I thought about how I was sick of my bad attitude towards myself and I knew I wanted to change it. I realized right away that I wouldn't be able to do it alone, I would need encouragement from Adam and of course, help from God.

I know that we are all created in God's image. I know that God created me with a purpose, and I know that every single characteristic of mine is of his doing. I look how I look because that's how he made me. So my conclusion was something like this: I know I would never insult God, so why would I insult his creation? He made me like this, so who am I to judge myself and say it's wrong? I want to try to view myself through God's eyes, the way he sees me.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." ~Genesis 1:27

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:13-14

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." ~Ephesians 1:4

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~2 corinthians 5:17

Heavenly Father, you created me just as I am. You know everything about me, every thought I've ever had and will ever have. I struggle a lot with my self-esteem, and I know that when I say something negative about myself, it's like saying something bad about you or to you. I need your help to overcome this struggle, I know I can't do it alone. Please help me overcome this. I ask this in your name, amen.