i can't think of a title for this one.

im not gonna make the mistake i made last time where i waited two months to update my blog. im already slacking because it's been almost 2 weeks.

i have a new man in my life, and i know i've said it before, but i know that he is different. when my younger brothers tell me with complete seriousness that "you need to hold onto this guy. you should hear the nice things he says about you when you're not here. this guy really cares about you." to me, that is huge. if my 14 year old brothers think he's a keeper, then there must be something there.

his name is alex, and i think i'm in love with him. this is different than my last relationship on so many levels. he is everything eric wasnt and tells me all the things eric wouldn't say. alex respects me, trusts me, cares for me, isn't ashamed of me, and couldn't dream of hurting me. he tells me things that i've never heard before in my life. i asked him to explain to me what he sees in me, and i have his reply saved in my phone. "when i see you i get butterflies in my stomach and very nervous because i have never had that kind of reaction to any other girl... i dont know how to handle it. when i kiss you i forget my name. when you talk it sounds like an angel is speaking. when i get a text from you i smile ear to ear."

i can honestly say that i've never had that kind of connection with anyone before, because even tho i was blind to it at the time, people tend to not treat me well. my parents see it too, that no one has ever been this serious about me and has treated me that well. in one week, i have gotten 4 boquets of flowers from him, 2 are roses.

he is the sweetest guy ive ever met, and of course, i wonder if it's too good to be true. he knows this too. he knows ive been hurt before, and more than once. he knows i have major trust issues, and that's not just with relationships, that's with anyone. anytime i get close to someone and begin to trust them, i always get hurt. always. he claims that he will be patient with me for as long as needbe, that he will never get sick of me. of course i've heard that before and it's never proved to be true. so part of me of course wonders why this is any different. why should i believe this is different? why should i believe him when he tells me and told my parents that he will never hurt me?

one of the things different about him is he is ALWAYS complimenting me, something i am not used to. all the time i hear how beautiful, cute, sexy, smart, pretty, amazing, or perfect i am. i dont agree with any of it. pretty much every time he says something like that to me, i shut him down. i quickly jump to my defense and quickly disagree. "no i'm not." "you're just saying that." "you're supposed to say that cuz you're my boyfriend." then, i immediately feel bad because i know i hurt his feelings, even tho he doesnt show it. i've had low self-esteem for as long as i can remember, and i feel like i'm just being fed more and more lies.

i know i'm slipping into a depressed phase again. ive been feeling it coming on for the past few weeks. i just feel like im waking up, forcing myself out of bed, every couple days i'll go to work and go through the motions there. i don't feel like i'm living an exceptional life, im just going through the motions and merely existing.

i know i'm losing friendships. i'm losing contact with most of my friends because what used to be a weekly phone call or a daily instant message, is simply nothing. i can tell some of them just dont want anything to do with me, and if they did, they would talk to me. i just dont have the energy or motivation to make contact. in some ways, it bothers me because i miss having people i can rely on to talk to, but i'm becoming more and more isolated. i'd actually prefer sitting home alone in my room than be out with friends forcing myself to smile and make friendly conversation. i am a friendly person, and i try really hard to get people to like me. but i will not go out of my way to talk to somebody at work, or call anyone up to make plans. i will talk if i am spoken to.

socializing, to me, simply seems like a huge effort that i dont want to do. if i start talking to someone, i become anxious and in my mind, millions of thoughts start to race around in my head. what if i mix up my words? what if i say something they don't want to hear? what if they are completely bored with me? what if they secretly can't stand me and me talking to them is only making it worse? what if i start rambling? for the most part, even tho it may not seem like it, talking to people is hard for me. not with everyone all the time, but i know it's there. i wish i could converse with people easier, but it's becoming harder and harder.

basically, i just don't feel happy. i know that i go through these cycles every few months where life just sucks more than usual, and this is definitely one of those phases. i just dont have an interest in things much anymore. i dont really wanna do anything, just sleep or get lost in tv.

alex is being absolutely wonderful with this, he says he will stick with me in good times and bad, and no matter how sad or mad or angry or depressed i may get, he's gonna stay by me and do whatever he can just to see me smile. i think i may have found my other half, and i know it may be too soon to tell, i can easily see a future with him.