Cast All Your Anxiety on Him because He Cares for You

It has not been the greatest week, hence why I haven't blogged in a week. Last Friday, Adam got in a car accident. Rather, someone smashed his car. He was on a delivery and had just come to a red light, and someone was coming up too fast behind him. It had been raining, and a hydroplaning car didn't hit their breaks in time. A car smashed into him, which sent his car smashing into the car in front of him. He had called me around 12:30, which was weird because I knew he was working 11-1. He called me up and said that he wouldn't be able to come up the next day. I asked why, and he told me the story. I immediately thanked God that he wasn't hurt and was okay. Of course it sucked that his car was totaled, but cars can be replaced, people can't.

I was visiting mom at work for lunch, and when he called me, I was just getting ready to leave mom's office. When I was driving home, waves of different emotions washed over me. A sense of panic started to set in. I knew he was okay and not hurt, but all sorts of thoughts rushed into my head about how it could've been so much worse: Adam could've gotten hurt or even died. I didn't want to think these thoughts, but once they started, I couldn't stop. I began to feel a bit nauseous, but I was okay. I then figured that I should probably go down by him, because I had a need to see him, almost like a reassurance that he really was okay. I didn't want to bother him because I knew there was a lot that he was doing, with reports and the police and whatnot. So, I called his brother Nathan, but he didn't answer. I called Adam anyway and asked if I could come down, and he said he'd really like that. I was almost home from Sheboygan, so I said I'd get there as soon as I can. As the afternoon went on, my inner sense of dread and panic grew more and more. I got home, did a few things, and then set off for Pewaukee.

The drive from my house to Adam's house is about an hour. It doesn't usually seem that long because it's all highway. This trip, though, seemed to drag on forever. I started to get teary as I was driving because of all the "what if's" running around my head. I felt sick as I was driving, and my anxiety was not ceasing. I was going through milwaukee around 2 on Friday afternoon, so I didn't expect to run into any traffic. Around Locust Avenue, traffic drastically started to slow down. I've driven through heavy, slow jammed up traffic before without any problems. I saw on one of the signs where they post traffic times that two left lanes were blocked off at North Avenue, probably due to an accident. Well, around this time Adam texted me asking how far I was. I said I was at standstill traffic by Locust Avenue and he said he was sorry and shouldn't have asked me to come down. I of course said he had no need to be sorry because I asked to come down and it wasn't his fault.

At this point, I became overwhelmed with anxiety. All of the thoughts about what could have been and what would it be like if Adam died or got hurt really bad and the rain I was driving in and the stand-still traffic just became too much. My chest began to feel tight and tears started streaming down my face and I felt dizzy and lightheaded and started hyperventilating and basically had a bad panic attack. Luckily I was barely moving on the road. Adam texted me again, asking how I was doing, and I replied saying "not too good, I'm panicking pretty bad." Then he called me and I answered, but I couldn't even speak. All he could hear was me trying to catch my breath. He calmed me down through the phone, just telling me to breathe and calm down and everything was going to be okay. It took a few minutes, but he did it. I ended up exiting on North Avenue and taking that west for a bit, and caught I-94 later on. Once I was breathing normally again, he asked if I needed him to stay on the line, and I said no, I was fine. Once I got there, I didn't even say anything, I just hugged him so tight. We didn't say anything for the first few minutes, just held each other. But for the rest of the day, I still felt uneasy. I hadn't had a panic attack for a few months.

Fast forward to today. Today at work was a very stressful day. I won't get into many details, but it is getting to be the busy time of year and there was just a lot going on today. Because there was a lot going on and it was a high-stress environment, this tends to put people in bad moods. Expecially some supervisors. Today was just a bad day overall. I was pretty much in a bad mood all day. One of the things that set me off was a mis-communication at work. I work in the back room pricing, and it isn't always the easiest to hear other people back there. There have been countless times where I have had to repeat myself or speak louder simply because I wasn't heard. One of my supervisors asked me a question from across the room, and I shouted a reply to her question. I was by no means trying to be rude or have a tone or anything like that, but apparently that's what she heard. She came over by my station where I was working and asked if I could stop being rude and that I should show more respect, etc. This really upset me. I started tearing up and tried explaining that I was just shouting so I could be heard and I didn't mean to come off as rude, but by the time I was done explaining I was crying, so she had me come in the office. She talked to me then for a good 15 minutes or so, the entire time I had tears running down my face as I tried to defend myself.

When I was done in the office, I went back to my station to price. As I went through the motions, I kept tearing up. I wasn't crying anymore, but I kept having my eyes fill up with tears. Also, shortly after I got back to my station, I felt my chest get tight, like right before I have a panic attack. I didn't though, I was able to take deep slow breaths. But once it went away, my chest would just get tight again. All I could think of was that I wanted to get away. I couldn't go in the break room because there were people in there, and I didn't want to get in trouble because I didn't have any more breaks. I couldn't go in the bathroom because it isn't a single bathroom, and I couldn't risk anyone coming in. I couldn't leave work because I only had a little over an hour left of my shift and it wasn't worth it to get an occurence for leaving work early. I felt trapped. I felt like I couldn't get to a safe place, because no matter where I would go, there would be other people. I felt trapped. Which didn't help my anxiety. Needless to say, I eventually got better by the end of my shift.

I am not going to lie here, but when I am feeling panicky and upset, it can be really hard to think of God and his comfort. I don't ever doubt God, but it's hard to grasp and understand that he is ALWAYS there with us, even when we are struggling. I noticed I am quick to help other people and give them advice and I enjoy giving words of comfort, but when it comes to myself, I am not as quick to take my own advice. Now, hours later, I reflect on God's word.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." ~Philippians 4:6

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

"Be still, and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10a

Father, I am not having the greatest week right now. I know that everything is going according to your plan, even though I don't understand it all now. I know that you are always with me, even if I forget it sometimes. I pray that whenever I get in a difficult situation and I begin to stress out and get panicky that I will stop and just think about you and remember that you are always with me. I ask this in your name, amen.