Created in His Image

I haven't blogged in a while, and I still want to try to work on my goal of at least once a week. It's just hard with work and seeing Adam and all of my other commitments. Now, with this post, I'm not quite sure how to start off with what I want to write about, so I'm just going to dive right in. Enjoy!

I have always had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I remeber way back in kindergarten when no one else would play with me, so I had some negative thoughts about myself, like that no one liked me. As I got older, it only got worse. I was never the skinny kid; I always was a bit chubby. I especially gained a lot of weight around my 15th year. I was very overweight, and with that, naturally comes insults and name-calling. Many of my friends would disagree with this, but I consider myself to be somewhat shy. Of course, when I know people well and I feel comfortable with them, I can be quite outspoken. I never really had many friends. Sure, I had some people here and there that I would hang out with, but I always felt isolated and lonely. I never felt like I fit in. Most of my readers on here know about how bad my depression had gotten in the past few years. I literally hated myself and didn't want to live.

Over the past two and a half years I have overcome the majority of my "issues" from my past. But, one thing I still struggle with is self-esteem and how I view myself. Even though I have lost at least 40 pounds compared to my heaviest point, I still feel fat. (I still want to lose 20-25 pounds before I reach my goal. And honestly, this isn't unrealistic. For my height, my goal is in the healthy weight range.) I find myself constantly beating myself up on the inside. I can easily point out all my flaws and things about myself that are physically wrong. I am overweight and fat, I have acne and a greasy face, I have terrible vision, I sweat a lot, etc. I can go on and on about all the issues I have with my body, but I will leave it at that.

I also find it easy to pick at things "wrong" with me that aren't as noticible. I honestly don't consider myself to be book-smart at all. I know I am a slow learner and it takes me a while to catch onto things. I dropped out of two colleges over the course of five months. I do give up on things very easily and probably more often than I should. Just thinking back to high school, I didn't do very well at all. I wasn't in the top half of my class, and I even took a lot of the "easy" classes. I consider myself socially awkward most of the time. It isn't very noticable, but when I am surrounded by many people, whether I know them or not, I get a small sense of panic inside of "What do I say? What should I do? What do they think of me? What if they laugh at me? etc" I can be very unmotivated and straight out lazy. And again, I can point out tons of things wrong with me that I don't like, but I will stop here.

This whole self-esteem thing has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. It's something I struggle with constantly. I notice it more when I am talking with Adam, whether it be on the phone or in person. He is the most wonderful boyfriend ever, I wouldn't change a thing about him. We will just be talking and he will sometimes randomly tell me "you're amazing", "you're so pretty", "you're beautiful", things like that. Sometimes I will say thank you, other times I will deny it, saying no, you're wrong. I know he doesn't like when I disagree with him on that. There are also times when we will be talking or hanging out and I will just start complaining about myself. I know that sounds terrible, and I know that some people will just start saying stuff about themselves for attention. I can assure anyone who is reading this that is NOT what I am doing. But I will just start beating myself up verbally, and I can tell that it hurts him. I just don't have a high opinion of myself. But he has told me many times that I am the most smart, beautiful, pretty caring girlfriend he's ever had, and I want to believe him, but it's hard. I know he wouldn't lie to me.

This past weekend I went to church twice, once on Saturday night with Adam and the other time at the second service with my brothers. We have just started our study on Ephesians, and the theme of this past weekend's service was about how God chose us to be his. It was really an interesting sermon. It made me start to think about myself differently.

At my job, I have a lot of thinking time on my hands; I have a lot of time for my mind to wander. This Wednesday and Thursday I especially thought a lot. I thought about how I was sick of my bad attitude towards myself and I knew I wanted to change it. I realized right away that I wouldn't be able to do it alone, I would need encouragement from Adam and of course, help from God.

I know that we are all created in God's image. I know that God created me with a purpose, and I know that every single characteristic of mine is of his doing. I look how I look because that's how he made me. So my conclusion was something like this: I know I would never insult God, so why would I insult his creation? He made me like this, so who am I to judge myself and say it's wrong? I want to try to view myself through God's eyes, the way he sees me.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." ~Genesis 1:27

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:13-14

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." ~Ephesians 1:4

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~2 corinthians 5:17

Heavenly Father, you created me just as I am. You know everything about me, every thought I've ever had and will ever have. I struggle a lot with my self-esteem, and I know that when I say something negative about myself, it's like saying something bad about you or to you. I need your help to overcome this struggle, I know I can't do it alone. Please help me overcome this. I ask this in your name, amen.

Life is good!

Life is going pretty fantastic. Adam and I just celebrated our 2 month anniversary this past Sunday, and considering both of our relationship history, this is a HUGE accomplishment. It's not like some of my past relationships where the first few weeks or the first month is great and then it starts to get tedious and boring and it becomes more and more of an effort to "make it work." If anything, it started out great and it's stronger now than ever and we get closer each day.

A few weeks ago I was texting with Adam and we started talking about sex. Now, don't get the wrong idea here. It was a good talk. We both have made mistakes in the past and we both have regrets from past relationships. You can't change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes to help you not make mistakes in the future. We both came to a decision that we are going to wait until marriage to have sex. At first I was a but leery to even bring this up in the first place, I was thinking it might make things weird or awkward between us, but actually, we have become a lot closer! We talked about how there is always going to be temptation, but if we keep God as our focus and don't get caught up in the moment, everything will work out. I shared with Adam a verse I found that we can keep in mind when temptation arises.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13

Later that day, I went to Sonlight Books, a Christian store in Sheboygan. I went there before I went in to work. I bought a ring that says "Love Waits" on it. I later told Adam about it, and I asked if he would be interested in getting one too because they had men's rings too. He gladly said he would get one too. Unfortunately, he still hasn't gotten one because he hasn't been up here by me in the past few weeks except this past Sunday, and that was when I found out that Sonlight Books is closed on Sundays. But the next time he is up here by me on a weekday, we are definitely going to get him one.

Things with Adam are going absolutely wonderful. We don't get to see each other as often as we would like because of our jobs, but it's okay because we talk on the phone almost every night. My job is going good, life at home is great. Life is good!

Heavenly Father, I want to praise you and thank you for the blessings in my life. Everything that is going on is going according to your plan; you are in control. I want to pray for Adam and my relationship, that you will continue to be in the center of it. Help us not lose focus of you, and when temptation arrises, help us maintain control. I pray that our relationship will grow stronger and closer, but only as we grow closer to you. I ask this in your holy name, Amen.

Where my family has come from in the past year

I know I should be blogging more often, but I just haven't gotten around to it. In the past week, I have been meaning to and meaning to, and there were even times where I sat down and meant to, but I just haven't had quite the inspiration. I know there's a lot I need to update on and a lot that has happened, but maybe I just don't know where to begin.

When I first started going to Open Door last year, at first my family was against it. Both mom and dad would tell me that I needed to do what I was told until I was 18 (I was 17 when I started going) and that I was brought up Catholic, and that is what I was to stay. Well, I knew God was calling me and telling me what to do, and it wasn't to go back to St. Mary's. After a few weeks of going alone, Mom began to notice that I was actually looking forward to church for the first time in my life, and I had kept on asking her if she would come with me. Finally, she did, and she did enjoy it, but all she knew was the Catholic church her entire life, so she was warning me about potential false teachings and things like that. But, she continued to come with me almost every week, arranging when she would go to an Open Door service around when she would go to St. Mary's or St. Peter's.

A few weeks later, i invited my brothers to come with me, and they did, and they didn't understand how it was "church." Again, all they knew was the Catholic church and a service at Open Door was NOTHING like a Catholic mass. They said the service was waaayyy too long and "it didn't count as church."

A few weeks later, I finally was able to take my entire family: Mom, Dad, John and Joe. But, the only reason they all came with me was because after we went to the early service, then we all went to the late service at St. Peter's. I had been going to Open Door for almost two months at this time, and I absolutely loved it. I also hadn't gone to a Catholic church during this time. I had never really gotten much out of a Catholic mass before, but that Sunday, I can honestly say it was a wasted hour. I really really didn't get it. It amazed me that I could feel so alive with the spirit in me and singing praise songs and actually reading and learning from the bible, and then I go sit for an hour and recite chants that I had memorized since I was five years old and participate in the same mindless rituals and just didn't feel the precense of God like I did before.

Well, Dad didn't care much for Open Door. He is a very closeminded person. I started praying for him and mom, that they would be more accepting of me and my walk with the Lord. Even though mom was going with me almost every week, she still was uncomfortable with the fact that I had broken away with what I had been raised up in. Dad, on the other hand, was not so accepting. He thought that what I was doing was wrong because it wasn't how I was raised.

I had made it clear that I couldn't go to Catholic church anymore because it wasn't doing anything for me and there were a lot of things that I didn't agree with in Catholicism. Then, Mom started telling me about how she felt like a failure because her and Dad had brought me up one way and I was totally deserting that and leaving it behind. I have assured them over and over that they weren't failures, that because of them raising me in a church and I had a Christian base, I had never doubted that there was a God. I had just started seeking more, I needed to fill my spiritual viod and that they should be happy for me.

Everything that was going on put Mom in a difficult position. On one side was me: I was on fire for God and was looking forward to Sunday mornings and was reading in my bible for the first time in my life, and I just had a new attitude towards things. All good changes. On the other side was Dad: he was against me breaking away from the Catholic church because that's how I was raised, that I had just gotten confirmed the previous year, I was baptized Catholic at just a few weeks old, and what would Grandma think? Mom was, in a sense, torn between us. She liked going with me Sunday mornings and loved reading in her bible and learning from the sermons, but she still was going with Dad and my brothers to St. Peter's or St. Mary's. Her and Dad have had countless discussions about it all.

Fast forward to Summer. Dad had gone with Mom and me to a welcome class at Open Door where we all learned about the church's history, questions about the denomination, we learned about the church doctrine, what they believed, etc. It was really informative. That ended in summer of last year. By this point, both Mom and Dad came to terms with my spiritual choice. They were okay with me going. But, Mom continued to go with me, and go with my brothers and Dad to their service.

From last summer until January of this year, I had been growing in my faith. I got baptized last July as a new believer. My faith was stronger than it had been my entire life, and it felt fantastic.

From November of last year until about the middle of January this year, I had gone through some not so great relationships, both of which were with unbelievers. I struggled with a lot of different things during this time period. But then, towards the end of January, I met someone new, and he was a Christian! On our first date, we talked openly about our churches, where we were at in our walk with God, and more and this was all new to me because I had never been with a Christian before.

We had met on January 25, and decided to make ourselves "official" on the 28th. That was about a month and a half ago, almost two months. Coincedently, during the past month and a half, my passion for God and sharing the gospel intensified A LOT. I have felt so on fire for God in the past month and a half. It's an amazing feeling. I have been reading in my bible a lot lately, and I can just spout off all these verses. I redid the back of my car, taking off nearly all of my old bumper stickers and replacing them with Christian stickers. Adam and I have just sat down and read scripture, and we have asked each other to pray for certain situations in our lives. It's wonderful.

Because of my new passion for God that has really taken off in the past month and a half, I really want to share my story, to teach others about what God has done for me and what he can do for them. I even attended a prospective student weekend at New Tribes Bible Institute in Waukesha a few weeks ago.

During the past few weeks, I really started thinking about Catholicism and it's many errors. Now, what Open Door follows and where they get their beliefs from and what we read from every Sunday is the bible. What the Catholic church follows is something called Catechism. It's a list of nearly 3000 rules and phrases that are made up by man, and basically states their beliefs. Aside from the fact that we follow the bible and Catholics follow the catechism, which is wrong in itself, there are a lot of things that the Catholic church teaches and follows that are not mentioned in the bible and in some cases, straight out contradict the bible. I'm not going to name off all of them now, but it really made me uneasy.

The biggest thing that breaks my heart about what the Catholic church teaches is that you can never know if you're going to heaven or not. What we are taught is that you have to earn your way to salvation by doing good works. That if you follow the sacrements like baptism, communion, reconciliation and confirmation, you have a better chance of going to heaven. That if you confess your sins to a priest, he somehow has the power to forgive you of your sins but only if you pray the rosary or perform some act of pennace. All of that contradicts the bible.

See, for the first 17 years of my life, I had often wondered to myself if I was good enough to go to heaven. I never knew, so i lived in constant worry and wondered if I could do more "good things" to outweigh all the "bad things" I had done. I've discussed this with Mom and my brothers, and because Mom was going with me to church, she learned as I did that we CAN know where we are going to spend eternity. Last year we learned that by putting our faith in Christ alone and trusting in him, and believing that Jesus died for our sins and if we depend on that, we can know we are going to heaven! When I learned that last year, it was like I finally got it. A new life began for me. It was that simple! It just breaks my heart that Catholics aren't taught that.

Over the past few weeks I began to educate myself and learned more about the differences between Catholicism and Christianity, and it became very obvious that my brothers and dad were on a very differnt page than I was, and with mom going to two contradictory churches at the same time, I really started to have a problem with it. To me, it was like my mom was living a double life. She had put her trust in Jesus as her savior as I did, but was still going to St. Peter's with my family and participating in meaningless Catholic traditions. I have explained to her over and over that it's one or the other, you can't do both. We got into quite a few arguments about this.

Last week, mom and me spent some time together. We went out for dinner on Friday night and Saturday morning we went to The Cracked Shoe and sat there for a good two hours, and we talked about where everyone was at. She said that she is so proud of me of where I'm at, and she admires my passion for God. I explained to her about a lot of the ways that the Catholic church contradicts the bible and why it hurts me how every Sunday I am either alone or with Mom in church, and I'm surrounded by families that are all on the same page. We had again talked about her dilema, about how she feels torn. She said how especially over the past few weeks she has been struggling because I had such a desire to share, and there had been some tension in the house because of it. She also told me that she gets way more out of a service at Open Door and that she is learning there, and she doesn't get that at a Catholic church. She was just afraid to stop going because of potential arguments with Dad and what that might do to our family. I said that it isn't right for her to compromise her beliefs to please others, and she needs to start standing up for herself. If Christ is in her heart, that's all that matters. By the time we left the Cracked Shoe, she came to the decision that she wasn't going to St. Peter's anymore, just Open Door. I was so proud of her!

We got home saturday afternoon from there, and Joe was home. John was spending the day with Shelby, and Dad was out of state. We both sat down with Joe, and I did most of the talking. We asked him, "what are you trusting in to get to heaven? If you died right now, do you know where you're going?" He gave me the same answer that I would've answered with two years ago. He didn't know, and he mentioned the thing about "well if I'm a good person" and then, by the grace of God, I shared the gospel with him. I explained about God's love for us, about original sin that separates us from God, God sending Jesus to pay for our sins, and by faith alone is what saves us. It was a lot of information for him to take in. Then, we asked Joe when he was going to church, and he said he would go with Mom to Open Door that night. During the Saturday night service, I worked in the nursery, so i could hear the sermon. Pastor Sid had started a 3 part series on the ressurection, and during that service last Saturday night, he basically resated a lot of what I just told Joe at home. Of course, he did a better job of it than I did, because when church was over, Joe told me that he just got saved! I was so proud of him! I then went to babysit in Sheboygan, and Joe kept texting me, thanking me.

I continue to pray for my family, that hopefully we will all be on the same page. Joe told me that he will come with mom and me every weekend to Open Door. He even wrote on his calendar "saved" on last Saturday's date.

God almighty, I see your grace everyday in my life. Your beauty is all around me in the beautiful earth you created. I want to pray for me, that your love with continue to live in me and that I can be an instrument used by you to reach others. I want to pray for Mom, that you will continue to work in her heart and overcome any struggles she may still be having. I want to lift Joe up to you as he is a new believer, help him to grow in his newfound faith. I want to pray for John and Dad, as their eyes haven't been opened up yet. It's all in your time, and only you know what's on their hearts. I ask this all in your name, amen.

Jesus, be the center

it's been nearly two and a half weeks since i last posted. i thought i was getting better at posting more often, but i've been slacking a bit. i spend the majority of my time working. when i'm not working, i tend to spend my free time with adam. if i'm not working or not with adam, i'm pretty much just relaxing at home.

i haven't forgotten to update, i just haven't gotten around to it. i tend to write really long posts, going into a lot of detail telling a story. at the very minimum, i tend to take at least two hours. when i write a blog post, i need no distractions, and an uninterrupted block of time. i haven't had that in the past two weeks. not only that, i haven't had anything that stands out that i felt the need to write about. things have been going really well for me. there are a few minor setbacks and bumps in the road, but that's to be expected.

one huge thing though that has happened, not in the past two weeks specifically, is adam. this past sunday, was our one month anniversary. i know we are still in that "honeymoon phase" of our relationship, because we havent had any problems yet. we both know and have said that we are gonna eventually fight, and we arent always gonna get along perfectly. i think that's a good thing that we both know and understand that, not like we are in some weird denial.

one amazing thing about this relationship compared to ANY other relationship i've been in, is our shared faith. it means so much to me that we can openly talk about God and the bible, and we can both ask each other to pray for certain situations in our lives. once, adam was over at my house, and we went in the office and we read from my bible for an hour and a half. i had never read anything from the book of revalation before, and he has studied it, so he wanted to discuss it. it was really an interesting experience, and he said a few days ago that he wanted to go over genesis with me. he hasn't come with me to church yet, but that's only because of his work schedule. he wants to come, but it just hasn't happened yet. it will, i know it.

i'm not going to list all the good things about adam, or why i think he might be "the one." there are a lot of great things about him, and about us. there are a ton of things we have in common, and there are a lot of ways we just "click." naming them all seems almost pointless, because hardly anyone reads my blog in the first place, and also because i just don't see the point in it. i know i've done it before with past relationships. well, they are past relationships. i get all excited and tell the world about why this guy is so great and for what purpose?

the main thing i wanted to say about adam is that he is a christian, and both of our #1 priorities in our lives is God, and it's great that we can share that. also, i felt the need to share that because this is the first relationship i've ever been in that i can say that. i know that we have a strong relationship because God has been our center from day one, even before we were official. on our first date, we talked about our churches and openly discussed religious beliefs, and it was just so refreshing!

after went out for the first time, i was surprised at first that he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. we both liked each other a lot, so to me it didnt make sense. he explained to me that rushing into a relationship and not taking things slow almost never ends well, and he told me that we should pray about it, that if it was God's will for us to be together, it will happen. he wanted us to be friends first before making it official because then if things didn't work out, we would be comfortable with being friends. we prayed about it, and one thing led to another, and we've been together for just over a month now. i hope that we continute to grow closer and stronger in our faith together, and God will continue to be in our hearts and guide us.

Almighty Lord, you do all things well. I know you have a wonderful plan for me and a wonderful plan for Adam, and only you know if our future is together. I want to lift Adam up to you now, and i pray that you continue to be with him and be in his heart. I also want to pray that you will continue to guide me day by day, and help me make good decisions. I pray that you will be at the center of our relationship, and even though sometimes it's hard to keep a clear focus on you, I know that you never grow impatient with us. Your love is unfailing, and that's an amazing thing. I want to completely surrender myself to your will, and let my future unfold according to your plan. I know that sometimes I don't always like what happens, but I continue to trust in you. I know that whatever happens with me and Adam, whether we are together in the future or not, it is all according to your plan. I pray this in your name, amen.

Lord, there is nothing you and i can't accomplish together

yesterday was sunday, which is, of course, my favorite day of the week. it was a very interesting day. a mix of highs and lows. but through both the good times and bad, i knew God was with me.

open door bible church, the church i attend, had started a saturday evening service this past weekend for the first time. i was planning on going this past saturday just to check it out, but some last minute plans to spend the day with my boyfriend came up. which was perfectly fine. saturday evening, my mom texted me telling me that it was a great service, so i knew it had to be exceptionally well. i find every week's service great, but there are some that just stand out. when mom makes a point to tell me, i know it is going to be good.

sunday morning, i roll out of bed around 6:15, and get ready for the day as i do every sunday. i am not usually a big fan of waking up at this hour, but i look forward to it on sundays because i love worshiping and learning more and more about God. i get to church about 10 minutes to 8, so i have some time before praise and worship starts. i take out my bible, and since yesterday was valentine's day, i look for my favorite passage on love. i'm not going to post the whole passage on here because it's kinda long, but it's 1 John 4:7-21.

well, mom was right. the service was wonderful. the music was fantastic, and the sermon really hit deep. after the service, i went to my bible study group for the hour in between services. after that, i went out to my car to get something that i was delivering to someone who attends second service. i walked into the auditorium and delivered the gift, and i was asked if i was staying for second service. i said no, that i went to first service because i had to work in the afternoon. we said our goodbyes, and i drove home. on the drive home, i realized that if i didnt have to work in the afternoon, i would've said "yes, i would love to stay for the second service." it honestly was that great of a service! that has never happened to me before. but i liked that feeling.

i get home, and i tell mom she was right, that it was an excellent service and i explained that if i didnt have to work, i would've stayed to hear it all again. she might've believed me, i dont know. so then i have some time to kill before i have to go into work at 1, so i just browse around online, nothing too interesting.

now, normally i would've had this past weekend off. every other weekend i have off. unfortunately, i did have off saturday and sunday, but both days i had to go into work. saturday for a staff meeting, and sunday for forklift training. now, i had heard about a week prior about the forklift class that i had to attend. i really was not looking forward to using the forklift. it's kind of hard to explain, but it kinda scared me for some reason. i didnt want to have to be in control of that big peice of equipment.

so i get to work, and punch in at 1. scott, the guy coming up to train me and 5 others, arrived around 1:30. we all sat around the table in the break room, and were handed 19 page booklets that had general information about forklifts, safety tips, hazards, dos and donts, etc. we were told right away that we are going to be tested, and if we pay attention and use common sense, we should easily pass. in a weird way, i was hoping i'd fail.

after we went over the booklet, we were going to watch a video about forklift safety. before scott put the video on, he told us that there is a lot of blood and gore, that it can be pretty disturbing. immediately, i began to worry and feel anxious, because i dont handle seeing other people's blood very well. i mentioned that, and i was told to just look away.

i don't want to go into too much detail about the film itself, because i don't want to feel anxious again about it, but there were a lot of actual forklift accidents that were dramatized and acted out, and they showed body parts coming off and A LOT of blood. unfortunately, i didnt look away fast enough for the first few scenes. i felt waves of nausea hit me, and i tensed up, and i became pretty dizzy. i started shaking, and it was hard to catch my breath. luckily, i closed my eyes and tried to focus on deep breathing so i wouldn't start hyperventilating and have a full blown panic attack. that helped a bit, but through the whole video i was shaking and felt sick. some people kept asking me if i was okay.

towards the latter half of the video, i had learned to look away sooner, but sometimes i looked back at the screen too soon, and felt more waves of nausea. nonetheless, i wasn't doing great, but i had calmed down a bit since when i first started feeling sick. when the video finally ended, we took our tests, which took no more than 10 minutes. once we were all done taking them, we were all chatting amongst ourselves, and i joined in the conversation, and by the time he was done correcting our tests and we went over the right answers, i felt nearly back to normal.

unfortunately, that feeling didnt last long. i thought after the tests, we would be done. no, now we all were to go out by the forklift and learn about ours specifically. then, we were to each take turns driving it, as well as stacking and unstacking. i then began to panic all over again. i didnt want to use it before, and after that horribly disturbing video, i REALLY didnt want to use it. it was so big to me, so intimidating. plus, i already felt bad about drawing attention to myself during the video, and i didnt want everyone watching me have a panic attack trying and failing at this thing. i felt sick again.

scott asked for a volunteer to start because we would all have to do it. of course i didnt volunteer. so i watched the first volunteer go, and my panic was increasing by the second. i really really didnt want to do this because i knew it would not end well. halfway through the second volunteer's turn, i felt so sick that i didn't say anything, just walked out of the back room and straight to the bathroom, where i proceeded to throw up. when i was done in there, i walked back to where we were all standing and watching. i was still shaking, and was still dizzy. after a few minutes, i felt so ill that i had to sit down on the floor. i was completely mortified and i hated drawing all this attention to myself. but i couldnt help it.

scott got me a chair from the breakroom so i could get off the floor, which again, was embarassing. he asked me if i was going to take a turn, and i said no with a trembeling voice.

the class was now over because everyone had succesfully used the forklift. except me. he took me aside and told me that he wasn't going to certify me, and i said that i was more than okay with that, that i didn't want to be in the first place. he asked me if i was panicky because of the forklift itself, or because other people were watching. i thought about that, i said it was probably a bit of both, because i am terrified of public speaking. i know this isnt the same as public speaking, but in a way it was because everyone's focus was going to be on me, watching me, judging me, scrutinizing my every move.

by this time it was around 3:30, and everyone that was in the forklift class was asking christy, the head supervisor, what they should do, whether it be pricing, going on their lunch break, or go out on the floor and straighten up and put things away. she told everyone what they should do, and lastly, she told me she wanted to speak to me in the office.

she told me that if i really hadn't wanted to go through with the training, i should've talked to her ahead of time. she said that if i knew there was going to be an issue with anxiety and getting sick, i should've talked to her. i told her through my tears that i didn't know that the video was going to upset me so much, and i didnt know that i wasn't going to go trough with it. im standing there crying, feeling terrible, and shes twisting around, making it sound like i knew that all of this was going to happen. she then explained how she was paying for him to come up here and train us, and paying for us to be there to get certified. she basically said i was wasting company money, which of course added to all of my guilt from before. she ended with telling me that i could leave at 4.

i got home and briefly explained to mom what happened. then, we went into my room and went over a chapter of a book we are reading together about evangelizing to others in a natural, not preachy way. i really enjoy it. we had an absolutely amazing discussion, and the only reason it ended an hour later was because we had to discuss dinner. i felt better mentally, but still had a bit of an upset stomach.

then, for the first time in months, if not a year, mom, dad, john, joe and i were all in the living room together, and we all watched a movie and ate pizza together. we very rarely have time to do things together as a family anymore because we are usually all in different places at different times. so that was nice.

later in the evening, i was talking to adam on the phone, and i told him all about my day, the good parts and the bad. i mentioned that i was kinda nervous about going to work the next day (today) because of what people might say to me regarding sunday's embarassment. i have gotten made fun of before in regards to having panic attacks, and i figured it was just going to happen again. he reassured me to not worry, that it's gonna be fine.

this morning before i went to work, i prayed to God asking for him to be with me, to help me with any difficulties i may encounter. i found this verse, and reflected on it:

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" ~Psalm 56:3-4

it is so true! i know God is always with me, through good times and bad. when i was dizzy and shaking at work, when i was throwing up, and when my supervisor was making me feel bad, God was with me. today at work, i was reading in my bible during my lunch break, and i came across this verse.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." ~Psalm 34:4

can it get any more clear than that? the Lord is always with me. i need to have faith in him at all times. he has a plan for me :)

Almighty God, i want to pray to you and ask for your help. there are many times i am struggling, or am encountering a difficult situation. i know you are always with me, but sometimes i forget that when i am hurting. i pray that my faith in you will continue to strengthen, and that i won't forget of your compassion and never ending, unfailing love. i also want to pray that when i an in a difficult situation, that you could give me the right words to say. Lord, thank you for helping me through the bad parts in my life, as well as being with me to rejoice during the good times. Lord i ask this in your precious name, amen.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord

as of right this minute, i pretty much have no idea what i want to do with my life. ever since i was a child, like anybody else, i have had dreams of what i wanted to be when i was older. as i got older, my ideas and plans have changed. i have been "absolutely certain" many times that i was on the right track. not even having been out of high school for a full year, i have already been enrolled in two colleges and within a week of the first day, i have dropped out of both.

at this time last year, i had my plans set. i was going to finish high school, make money during summer, go to wartburg college out in iowa for four years, get a four year degree in social work and then move back here. i was going to find a job close to where i live now, and have an apartment by myself, and eventually get my masters in social work. well, all of those plans came to a halt after attending one day of classes out in iowa.

i moved back home, and started looking for a job, and had almost two months of no luck. in november i was hired at goodwill, and by that time, i had decided to go to ltc starting in january. i thought that i was taking on way too much of a load back at wartburg, so i thought that taking just two classes, having class once a week and being a part time student would be easier. i would have school on thursdays, and still work as much as possible at goodwill so i could be schooling and still making money. again, i had a bunch of plans, and they all changed after one day of class.

a bit off subject here, but pretty much everyone that knows about my school incedents or hears about me dropping out after one day, twice for that matter, doesnt get it. they dont get how i can come to that decision after one day. it's hard to explain, and i'm not going to get into detail about it. but people need to understand that what may be best for someone else may not be best for me. when people say i give up too easily, they don't understand what was going on inside me. i just know that some things just cant work out. it really hurts me when people think i am lazy or not trying or when they say i dont have motivation.

mom and dad have been asking me a lot lately about my future plans, what i want to do with my life, what job i want to have, questions like that. honestly, i dont have an answer for them. i have had plans and hopes and dreams for my future before, and they always get crushed. they never happen. i can get myself all excited about plans for the future, and when they end up not happening, it's yet another disapointment. i simply tell my parents that i don't know what i want to do. i dont know if i will ever get any more education. i dont know where i will live. i dont know when i will move out, and we all want it to be hopefully soon. i dont know when i will get married. the answer "i dont know" doesnt satisfy them.

i can easily name off countless jobs and careers. teacher. police officer. computer repair person. auto mechanic. lawyer. doctor. store manager. research scientist. plumber. wedding planner. interior designer. taxi driver. the list goes on and on and on. but no matter how many jobs i name off, i just can't seem to picture myself in any of them.

careers i have considered in the past, i still have an interest in. for example, social work. i would love to be able to help and connect with children and teens that are disadvanteged and living in troubled homes. i feel like i can easily sympathize with people, and i have a lot of compassion. lots of people have told me that i have a big heart full of love. i agree. that's why i was so passionate about social work, because i know i can easily show love and understanding an patience, and i knew i wanted to work with kids and teens. i wanted to help change lives, one at a time. i still want to reach out to kids and teens that are struggling, but if you look at the job of a social worker, it's a lot of paperwork, dressing in business casual outfits every day, sometimes going to court, that doesnt interest me. i dont want all that formality, i just want to be able to help people.

after my plans for pursuing social work, i considered childcare. this is what i was enrolled in ltc for. last summer i did a lot of babysitting, and i absolutely loved it. i melt around babies, and i have been told before that i am really great with kids. countless people have told me that i would be a great mom, and i agree. i cant wait to be a mommy. childcare, mainly working in a daycare, is what i was aiming for next. not exactly the same as social work, but i still would still be working with kids, just much younger kids. and i wouldnt really be able to help those in difficult situations.

as of right now, i dont know what i want to do as a career or job. thankfully, i have a good job working 30-35 hours a week, and i do like it. but, i dont want to work at goodwill forever. i am simply living day by day, and i dont know what i will be doing or where i will be next month, much less next year. some may say that my mindset is lazy and unmotivated, and that is not true.

when i am asked what i want to do with my life, i dont know, at least not career wise. but over the past year, and especially in the past few weeks, i feel like all i want to do is praise God and worship him. i love sharing my story about being saved. when i talk about my faith, i find it, for the most part, really easy to talk about. i have encountered some struggles with people questioning my beliefs, but it has only made my faith stronger. i try to read in my bible as much as possible, and i am getting better and better and being able to reference specific verses. i have an overwhelming urge to tell people about the gospel. God is my life. i want to share it with friends, family, coworkers, even strangers. of course, it is hard sometimes, especially when i dont know the person that well. i know that i cant talk to everyone and share the gospel and my story with every person i know, so i am trying to simply live a life pleasing to Christ. yes, i mess up and struggle daily with temptation, but i pray that God living within me can shine through me in things i do and say, and maybe people can notice Christ in me and ask me why i am always so happy, or why i act a certain way or something like that. i want people that don't know about God's amazing love to maybe see it working in me.

so basically i dont know what career or job i want to do, but i do know that i want to live for God.

i dont know what God has in store for me. i know that he has a wonderful plan for me, i just dont know about it yet. so when my parents ask me about what i am going to do for the rest of my life, and i say i dont know, it means that God has not yet revealed his plan for me. i continue to pray for my parents and anyone else that is worrying about my future. of course, i wonder about what i will end up doing, but i try not to stress out about it or worry about it too much, because that will not help any matters. i take life day by day because i have faith and trust in God that everything that has happened so far is all leading up to his grand plan for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." ~Psalm 55:22

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" ~Proverbs 3:5-6

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." ~Nahum 1:7

almighty God, you are amazing. you know every thought i've ever had. i put my complete trust in you, for you know my future. you have an amazing plan for me. i will wait patiently for your plan to be revealed to me. i know whatever hardships i will encounter, you will be right there with me. i want to lift up those who are worrying about me or anxious about my future plans. i pray that they too will be patient with you revealing your plans for me. God i also pray that when i am faced with an evangelistic opportunity that you work through me, and be in my heart guiding me with the right words to say. i ask this in your name. amen.

it's not a religion, it's a relationship (part 2)

having God in my life is without a doubt, the greatest thing to ever happen to me. i love talking about it, i love sharing my story about coming to faith in Christ. being saved has transformed my life, and i know that it is noticable. ive had people tell me straight out what a change they've seen in me, and it makes me feel so good to know that God's love in me is shining through to others.

i have gotten a lot of positive feedback about coming closer to God and a lot of people are happy for me. i have friends and other adults that i can openly talk about the bible and God and chruch with, and i cherish those relationships with those people. but as with any situation, it isn't all positive and happy. i get a lot of negative response too.

there will be times on facebook where in a status, i will ask people to pray for me, or i will simply put a bible verse as a status. of course i have some people tell me that they will pray for me or will "like" my status. i also will be criticized, made fun of, or even mocked. i know that there are nonbelievers out there, that is a fact. i know i am friends with nonbelievers. it does bother me and sometimes hurt me when people that are important to me judge me based on what i believe.

a few weeks ago, i updated my "about me" section on facebook, which is basically my rewritten testimony. i am very proud of it, and i wanted to share it. after i rewrote it, i wanted people to read it, so in a status i asked for people to read it. of course, i got a lot of positive feedback, but i also got a lot of negativity.

one person in particular texted me about it because i wasnt online. she told me that because of what i wrote and because i asked in a status for people to read it, i was apparently pushing my religious beliefs on everyone. this conversation troubled me. she said that i was a hypocrite because i had done a lot of bad things, and then i go and write this stuff up "trying to make myself sound all perfect and holy." she basically called me a liar and that i was writing this stuff up to make my self sound good. i knew she was wrong in accusing me with this stuff, and at the time, i was in shock that she could accuse me of this. i prayed for her because i knew she was lost and she didn't know what she was talking about.

at the time, i didnt really have much to say to her. but now, if she is reading this, and she should know who she is, i want her to read this and at least try to understand.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." ~Romans 3:23

yes, i am a sinner and i have done bad things in my life. i still sin, and i know i will sin in the future. we are all sinners, and i am no better than anyone else. everybody is a sinner, and that is why God sent Jesus to pay for all of our sins.

"If we claim to be without sin, we decieve ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives." ~1 John 1:8-10

with her calling me a hypocrite, she is basically calling anyone that has God in their lives to be hypocrites. i am no better or worse than her or my mom or a pastor at church. we are all sinners, and nobody deserves to go to heaven. because we are all sinners, we deserve hell and eternal punishment.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 6:23

i know i am a sinner and i dont deserve to be with God in heaven. but, i also believe that God sent Jesus to pay for my sins and i placed my trust in that. i know that i am going to heaven because i acknowledge that i am a sinner just like everybody else, but i have been saved from eternal punishment.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever beleives in him shall not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no man can boast." ~Ephesians 2:8-9

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having hope of eternal life." ~Titus 3:4-7

this is an amazing truth and i want to share it with everyone. i know that through my life, there will be struggles and sharing the good news isnt always going to be easy. i know that i have a firm foundation with Jesus. he is my center, and my faith cannot be shaken. i just have to learn to be more patient and pray for those who are lost. here is a passage that i like to reflect on when i am struggling with this:

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of your name in Christ, you are blessed, for the spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or theif or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgement to begin with the family of God; and it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And, 'If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?' So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." ~1 Peter 4:12-19

Lord, you are all powerful. you do all things good. i want to pray for your guidance in my life, and i want you to be in my heart. when i encounter difficulties of doing your will and sharing the good news, i pray that you will guide me to do what is good. i want to live my life for you. Lord, i pray that your love will shine through me and help me reach out to others that don't know of your wonderful love. i want others to know you and be able to know and experience the great joy that i have. i ask this in your name, amen.